So, since i last wrote on here, i’ve been doing a lot of things, and to be honest i’ve got worse than i was the other day. nothing has helped me to be honest, its all contributed (i think) to my getting worse. i don’t usually think there is a trigger for my illness, but there are certainly things in the world that really don’t help. I shall now run you through the last couple of days.
i had to get up early yesterday morning. i’m never great in the morning, something my medication reeeealllly helps with (sarcasm of course). it was my birthday, the big 25. I woke up not that great, but put on a happy face for the people i knew were downstairs waiting for me to open my presents. i opened my presents, said my thank yous and that was that. i wish i could have been more excited, but when i don’t feel it, i don’t feel it. at least the people i was around thought i was so excited, and the presents i got are really good. i got some stand up comedy dvds which i really like, so bonus, and because at the moment i live out of shopping bags, i got some stuff to hold my luggage (man bags etc).
Then for the big even of the day, my meeting with the specialist doctor in regards to my illness. now, im never good at talking in detail about my illness, i know it doesn’t help me because it brings up all the things i’ve ever thought about, all the worst things i’ve ever thought, stuff that would tip people over the edge (and in some cases almost did for me). I was expecting the bombardment of questions from the specialist, and that’s what i got. i answered as openly as i could, 100% honestly, and for a moment i cried my eyes out. it was so difficult, and i did not come out of there in a good state. the result wasn’t even what a wanted (i don’t think). My doctors are going to max out my medication, so i’m going to get a hard hit of the side effects i already experience. boy oh boy, i cannot wait! I want to change my medication because i don’t feel this medication is working anymore. But hey, at least i can rule out this medication for sure now.
I did have a bit of therapy after all this. i got back to my grandparents house and started sorting out my fishing gear. I needed to take my mind off of the previous couple of hours, and this really helped. This was all in readiness for sea fishing that evening. Sea fishing was alright. i went with my dad and he made things a little difficult unfortunately. of course he wanted to talk about my meeting, but i just skated over most of the details and just put his mind at rest. my dad is also very fatherly around me when i’m not well. he constantly asks me how i am, this really gets on my nerves, because he knows i’m not well, i’m not all of a sudden going to become well, so please please please don’t ask. i know people cant help it because its natural, but no, i don’t like it. I did some sea fishing, caught 10 fish (none i could take home) and finished early because the weather was bad to put it politely. This lead to what was the worst nights sleep ive had in 6 months.
I slept on my dads sofa overnight, and was constantly woken up by his dog barking throughout the night. i found it hard to get to sleep in the first place, so the last thing i needed was my sleep interrupted, but that is what i got. I also got up early because my dad and his Mrs got up. so, i think i managed a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep. I think this really did not help my illness today.
Today i’ve been terrible! paranoid, angry, anxious, sad, guilty, and so many more emotions. I felt as though i had ruined something of someones, and this wouldn’t leave my head all day, so worried that i had done something wrong, feeling really guilty. But this then led to what i really didn’t want. i turned, and all of a sudden i started making up nasty stories about this person, i made them wicked, and everything this person did that day i somehow managed to manipulate into something nasty. to be quite honest thinking like this makes me feel empowered. Letting that part of me take over, i’m pumped up, so many emotions going, heart beat racing, ready to pounce on the slightest thing. in some psycho way…………i love it! This is bad.
so today i was out at lunch, went to see my sister (who still hasn’t given birth and is now 4 days late), and waited around in the car lots. the reason i waited in the car lots was because people wanted to go shopping, and i didn’t want to see people, in fact i would risk my own friends and family talking about me so that people in the public don’t see my thoughts, and talk about me. very very anxious experience, and that i didn’t like at all.
So, i notice i’ve written loads on here today. i have a a lot to say today because i’ve had so many experiences in the past couple of days. What i really could do with right now is a nice beer, friends, in a place i’m really comfortable in. i think this would take my mind off of things.