Well, today i am really noticing the increase in my medication. I have felt side effects have shown all day. I’m so tired. I managed to drag myself out of bed at half two this afternoon, and have been tired all day. really i have felt like going to bed all day. I’ve not wanted to do anything today, so i’ve just sat around. I’ve also been extremely hungry, and i’ve got the munchies all the time. Now, this is a problem because i find it very difficult to eat certain food, and even though i’ve found it easier to bring myself to eat my grannies food, i’m still very wary, so i’m not eating properly so i’m starving! At the same time i’ve been really nauseous, so not eating, but at the same time i’m finding it hard to keep whatever i’ve eaten down. There is also another side effect, but i sharn’t go into that because its gross!
So, other than my medication playing its part in today i’ve had a fairly relaxed day, not really thinking about much that’s going on around me. I’ve even tried to spark up some discussion, which for me is great! At the same time, i cant help but think about the last couple of days and what effect they have had on me. I’ts got me thinking about the darker side of my thoughts. worthlessness, thinking about past experiences of suicide. I’ve always said i wouldn’t really talk about that a lot on here, so you might just get the idea of the seriousness of my illness sometimes. This leads onto another of my thoughts today, one that i’ve talked about before.
I wonder sometimes if people actually stop and give some thought about the seriousness of my illness. I mean sometimes i even doubt myself and my illness and feel as though i’m making a mountain out of a mole hill. but when it comes down to it and i really give it some thought i do recognise myself how serious it is. Do other people see this??? I also wonder if people ever take it into consideration when they talk to me. sometimes i have to remind people that i do, or don’t want them to do or say things because they make me worse in a way. like i mentioned yesterday, asking me how i am is difficult for me, also when i’m out and i’m not feel great, i tell people i’m going home and they argue that i should stay out. i cant physically stay out, its dangerous for me and could make me considerably worse. I mean i cant be that great of company when i am the way i am sometimes, which is why i hope some of my friends may read my blog. i doubt they do. i’m not that important for my friends to take an interest in me. oh well, i’ll just go on living how i do.
Today i’ve not really had any unusual experiences. I see things in the corner of my eye and turn around and nothing is there, and have had moments where i cant physically move my body (well this has only happened once today), so today i feel i’m doing quite well.
I am dreading going to my surgery to pick up my new medication. they are so useless when it comes to getting my medication right. This only makes me more anxious and worried, and i always doubt myself as to whether i actually went wrong. Now that my medication has changed i doubt they’ll get it right for the first few months, but i’m not one to complain, i don’t want to cause a scene, in fact i cant think of anything worse. in fact i think i’d rather be invisible to the public instead of making myself the center of attention. AHH, that reminds me. just recently there has been a member of parliament who has been subject to allegations of abuse, and this MP claimed he thought about committing suicide. now am i the only one, but do people with status use a non physical ailment as an excuse??? I mean, when people tell me they are depressed, or anxious i don’t believe them because i would never in my right mind tell people that i am anxious or depressed, even though i’m diagnosed. I think what people suffer is trivial most of the time. stop using these effective words out of context. But hey! people might think i’m faking it! Who knows!
Anyway, I’m off for the rest of the night now. Good night.