Memories good, but mostly bad.

I remembered a conversation i had the other day with my dad while we were fishing. I mentioned my late grandad and what he would have thought of me going out sea fishing with my dad. I never went sea fishing while my grandad was alive, so i never knew. My dad told me he wouldn’t have been happy that we stopped early because of the weather, he would have loved it. I do think about my grandad from time to time, and i realise that i really do miss him sometimes. My fondest memory is both a good one, and a bad one in a way. I remember him and i scratching our heads trying to fix a garage door, we were working together, chatting, and having a great time. Dad came a long and started to take over and i had a go at him because me and my grandad were getting on like a house on fire, and we were fixing the door ourselves. I try and keep that memory because my good memories (in general) are few and far between, and this is one that has stuck. I can never take good memories for granted, especially those memories of people you had more time with. Writing this has got me quite emotional. Thought i’d just let you know.

That’s probably one of the worst things about my illness. In fact i don’t even know if it is part of my illness. I really don’t have many happy memories. They are very few and far between. most of my happy memories are of stand up comedy, which is why i watch so much of it. it seems to stick like glue to my brain and i rarely forget a joke that i hear from a stand up dvd. However, those good memories of life, for some reason i cant relive them in my head, not even like a photo of the occasion. i look back through life and see negativity. its not nice. this is why i think it might have something to do with my illness. You know, when people are on the brink of death they say there life flashes before them, maybe if that happens to me i may well see those good memories, and not a life of hell.

Anyway……….today has been another quiet day. I’ve actually been quite restless, wanting to do stuff all day. unfortunately i’m a bit of an inbetweener when it comes to being friends with people, so i’m never in the clicky group. i find this difficult because generally i’m not included in the fun stuff (not that i would be much fun), i feel a bit left out sometimes. So today i’ve been twiddling my thumbs a lot. i don’t really like this because it gives me time to think, and i don’t like thinking that much (apart from memories of my grandad, which is good), because it makes me feel down. Hood has been up from quite a while now. i don’t know when it’ll come down. to be honest i did notice today it had been down for a little while when i got some news (false alarm though). My hood went straight up as soon as i realised. i think it will come down when i’m ready. Further thinking about inclusion in things. when i think of something to do people don’t want to do it, but i thought at the moment i really only want to make my own plans. i’m a very very…………very…………whats the word………impulsive! person, so when i think of something i want to do it straight away, which leads me onto my next bit.

I thought about going fishing these evening. all of a sudden i had this big urge to just get up and go, but i wanted someone to go with, no-one could go with me though, but i thought i’d just try my brother-in-law because he loves it. phoned sister up to talk to him and she told me something was going on. now this is very exciting because shes late for giving birth at the moment (see previous posts), so i couldn’t really go sea fishing with anyone! I thought Hooray! there’s a baby on the way. false alarm though. something called latent labour. i’m a bit naive when it comes to giving birth but i think its the bit before labour. Well, i’ll just wait now.

Anyway, ive said enough now, rabbiting on, i’ll leave you for tonight. See Ya!

3 thoughts on “Memories good, but mostly bad.

  1. Hey there. What a lovely memory of your grandfather. How nice to be able to share that sort of activity and closeness. You talk about being unable to recall other happy memories. I’m very similar in that respect. I might recall events but only the negative parts. I also love stand up comedy..although I have to be in the right headspace to really enjoy it. Have you heard of Anhedonia? Have a ‘google’ of it and see if it resonates with you.

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  2. That’s a lovely memory. I have a rubbish memory which is why I’ve started writing down the good stuff so I can look back and try to remember. I don’t even remember my childhood! And I tend to remember the bad stuff really easily, it’s not fair. Hang on to that memory, it’s a good one.
    Ooh, sounds like an amazing reason not to go fishing if that makes sense? Latent labour (I looked it up) lasts from a few hours to two to three days, which isn’t very helpful!

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