Heart racing, and i hate it!

Today has been an odd one. I started off rushing around trying to get ready because i was taking my brother-in-law to the hospital to see my sister and his new baby. We got there late, but turns out he wasnt allowed in for another hour, so we were actually an hour early. But hey, i got some well deserved sleep last night.

But! today has been one of those days. I haven’t wanted to be around people. i don’t like people looking at me. i don’t want people reading my thoughts, and i don’t want people judging me. People constantly talking quietly near me. I really start worrying about the way i look. Sometimes i feel like i must be a shifty person because (and i know this) people are constantly talking about me. I think they can see my thoughts and they are judging me and talking about my thoughts. I can’t help what i think, my brain just doesn’t work properly. So, i’ve tried to stay out of the way of people today, although i’ve been sprung because my aunty is now staying where i am staying, so a new person to be worried about. Sometimes i just want to shut myself off. Lets hope it doesnt get as bad as it can. Then there becomes a very good way of shutting things off.

I’ve also started worrying about people an awful lot, and  when i say people, i mean people very close to me. So, whenever someone is out of site i really worry something bad has happened to them. so, Today in the hospital my family were supposed to meeting me downstairs, and they werent there, and i worried they had died, they had fallen down flights of stairs. its not nice, i get really worried. I also got this when i went fishing with my dad, he would go around the corner, i would turn around and straight away i worried he’d fell in the sea and died. I just start panicking, and when i was sea fishing i had a panic attack because of it. I’ts not nice. Today my granny said she would be back at a certain time, and she was late, and the same feeling again. i thought she had crashed her car and died. I dont know what it is, but its very annoying, it gets my heart racing for all the wrong reasons. I don’t like it, not one bit.

I’m taking a big risk today, and i think it might have had an impact on my day. I’m wearing a jumper without a hood. I feel very open to negativity, very open to criticism, and i feel like my thoughts are on show for people to see. I think tomorrow i will go back to wearing a hood. I cant cope without one.

I’ve also been worrying about going back to work. i Start back at the/or after the weekend coming up, and im worried that the same thing that happened last time will happen again. i went back too early and got a lot worse. I don’t know if i’m ready to go back to work yet. im dreading it. I’ll find out when i go back. i’ve got to try. I mean, if you don’t try you just wont know if you’re better or not. Things have changed at work, and i dont really know what’s happened, so i’ll find out again, when i go back, if its good or bad. Basically, im dreading it (like i said before).

I’ll sandwich this whole thing with another thing about my new nephew. Got to hold him again today. He is just so lovely. I feel i can trust babies because they dont know about bad stuff, they are just in the here and now. sounds strange i know, but you can always trust a new born baby.

Anyway, i think thats enough for today. i’ve rambled on enough, now i need to go through  and stick commas in where i should have because the computer im on doesn’t tell me.


One thought on “Heart racing, and i hate it!

  1. Your thoughts sound really frightening. Especially the fears for your family. How awful for you. Well done though, for having the courage to push yourself by wearing the hoodless jumper. I’m glad you are finding joy with your new nephew. I agree completely with what you say about babies..their minds are so pure and they haven’t learned to judge people. Your job as uncle will be to make sure this little boy is compassionate and understanding to those who don’t follow the perceived norm.
    Take good care of you.


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