Nothing is closer than family, yet, i couldn’t feel more apart from them right now. Today i have my mum, my little brother and my aunty over, along side my granny and grandad (who i’m staying with). i am watching absolutely everything i say because i don’t want to say the wrong things. i am keeping my distance as well. I feel as though they don’t really want to know me, like i’m just another thing getting in their way. It’s not nice to be treated like that, and i really don’t like it. plus, my family can be so opinionated, that anything i say will be criticized. Well, that’s how it feels. maybe i’m wrong, but i think im right.
I got up early today, which was really unusual because my increase in meds has made me very sleepy. I got up, and the first thing i did was put my hood up on my hoodie. i don’t want people looking into my thoughts, not today, not any day. i think i’ll stick with the hood from now on. Yesterday i did explain the whole hood situation to my aunty, but i don’t think she cared, i mean, why would she, just some more boring information about myself. At least i feel a bit more comfortable with my hood up, but i think it can make me more of a recluse (don’t know if that’s the right word). i’ll do what i want.
I am really nervous right now because my granny has cooked dinner and i don’t know if ill be able to eat it. i’m going to try as hard as possible, so hopefully i will eat it without stupid thoughts going through my head. after all, i can just go to the loo and bring it all back up again. You see i wouldn’t date ever tell any of my family this, but for some reason i am writing it on here! blogging is a really big help for me.
One thing i would like to ask people who read my blog……lately, does it seem like i’m getting a bit worse with my illness? i cant make my mind up as to whether i am getting worse again or not. maybe it will show it self soon. I cant go back to work if im getting worse. no way. I hope i’m not getting worse, i just cant be ill over and over again, its horrible.
Tell you what, i really need to do something this evening. i don’t know what, but hopefully i’ll figure something out. i just need to escape from everything i think.
Oh, the whole reason i thought of writing on my blog today, I had another experience where i couldn’t move my body. I was just walking along and all of a sudden i couldn’t move. but this was different, someone was coming the other way and i could get out of the way, and then when they got past me, i couldn’t walk. i don’t know why this happens, its just some stupid psychosis thing. let hope these don’t happen lots again. Oh, and i’ve been getting like………extreme deja vu. i’ve had it three times today. i usually get it once a day, but three times is a bit unusual for me.
Anyway, i’m going to see if i can go eat some dinner.
P.S. i would like to know what people think of my experiences. Make of me what you want. i am me, and i just want people to let me know what they make of someone with these experiences. mainly to stop stigma in my head. Cheers!