Back to the hood!

Nothing is closer than family, yet, i couldn’t feel more apart from them right now. Today i have my mum, my little brother and my aunty over, along side my granny and grandad (who i’m staying with). i am watching absolutely everything i say because i don’t want to say the wrong things. i am keeping my distance as well. I feel as though they don’t really want to know me, like i’m just another thing getting in their way. It’s not nice to be treated like that, and i really don’t like it. plus, my family can be so opinionated, that anything i say will be criticized. Well, that’s how it feels. maybe i’m wrong, but i think im right.

I got up early today, which was really unusual because my increase in meds has made me very sleepy. I got up, and the first thing i did was put my hood up on my hoodie. i don’t want people looking into my thoughts, not today, not any day. i think i’ll stick with the hood from now on. Yesterday i did explain the whole hood situation to my aunty, but i don’t think she cared, i mean, why would she, just some more boring information about myself. At least i feel a bit more comfortable with my hood up, but i think it can make me more of a recluse (don’t know if that’s the right word). i’ll do what i want.

I am really nervous right now because my granny has cooked dinner and i don’t know if ill be able to eat it. i’m going to try as hard as possible, so hopefully i will eat it without stupid thoughts going through my head. after all, i can just go to the loo and bring it all back up again. You see i wouldn’t date ever tell any of my family this, but for some reason i am writing it on here! blogging is a really big help for me. 

One thing i would like to ask people who read my blog……lately, does it seem like i’m getting a bit worse with my illness? i cant make my mind up as to whether i am getting worse again or not. maybe it will show it self soon. I cant go back to work if im getting worse. no way. I hope i’m not getting worse, i just cant be ill over and over again, its horrible.

Tell you what, i really need to do something this evening. i don’t know what, but hopefully i’ll figure something out. i just need to escape from everything i think.

Oh, the whole reason i thought of writing on my blog today, I had another experience where i couldn’t move my body. I was just walking along and all of a sudden i couldn’t move. but this was different, someone was coming the other way and i could get out of the way, and then when they got past me, i couldn’t walk. i don’t know why this happens, its just some stupid psychosis thing. let hope these don’t happen lots again. Oh, and i’ve been getting like………extreme deja vu. i’ve had it three times today. i usually get it once a day, but three times is a bit unusual for me.

Anyway, i’m going to see if i can go eat some dinner.

Bon apetite!

P.S. i would like to know what people think of my experiences. Make of me what you want. i am me, and i just want people to let me know what they make of someone with these experiences. mainly to stop stigma in my head. Cheers!

3 thoughts on “Back to the hood!

  1. Hi there. It sounds like you’re on a bit of a roller coaster right now, up days and down days. I wonder, when you say your family don’t want to get to know you, could this be how it feels, rather than how they really are? I’m not sure I’m making sense? I think I’m trying to say that perhaps it is your illness making this seem real? It’s hard to know.
    I think you are very brave, battling this invisible illness that is so hard for many of us to understand. To have voices in my head, and not know if they are telling the truth, sounds like my worst nightmare, I admire your courage in getting through each day. I think the going still thing could be the medication doing strange things while your body adjusts? Hang in there.

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  2. I’ve only been reading your blog for a short while so I can’t say if you are seeming better or worse. As ‘silverlinings’ said, I do think that perhaps it is your illness that is ‘amplifying’ your fears. Such as your family not wanting to get to understand you, and wearing your hood up so that others can’t see your thoughts.
    One thing I have noticed is that this is the second time I have read about you going back to work soon. Is this something you are worrying about? That might be worsening the thoughts that you are having.
    I really feel for you, as it sounds so isolating for you, and so scary. I’m glad you have the blog to write everything down, especially the things that you can’t say to your family. Perhaps when you are feeling better it will be a good place to come back to and review your posts. It might help you notice things that you start to stay or do when you start to go down, or when you start to pick back up.
    Keep on going, you’re doing great.

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  3. I’ve been following your blog since I started blogging myself and I think you seem a bit more worried lately and a little less optimistic, but I know how quickly things can change so try not to focus on the bad (I say this knowing how hard it is when you feel like things are getting worse)! Writing daily is such a useful thing to do though as it can help us see things more clearly and can shed some light on particular feelings and whether certain circumstances ‘trigger’ them. I’m sorry you’re going through hard times but want to say thank you for sharing your experiences so honestly on here. X

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