Well, i am really feeling thge side effects of my increase in medication today (Sertraline 200mg & Olanzapine 20mg). I cannot stop eating! I’m so hungry all the time. got the munchies really bad! I also am very sleepy. woke up at half 1 this afternoon because i got woken up, i reckon it would have been a lot later if i hadn’t been woken) and at that point i was extremely nauseous. horriblew feeling, always wanting to eat, but every time i eat feeling like i shouldnt be eating anything. I dont like side effects, i just have to remember that good comes from my medication, so i’ve got to keep that in my head. I just really cannot afford to put on any more weight. that’s the worst side effect.
I dont know what it is today, but i feel like im always doing something wrong. i feel really guilty about every thing i do. This goes from what i put on television, and feeling bad because the person im with might not want to watch it, all the way to not going out on a few of my families special occassions. My grandma’s birthday is today, and i should have gone over there, and my great granny is 90 tomorrow, and all my family went over there, except me. I dont want to leave the house. i dont want to see these people. at the moment they feel like strangers to me, even though they are family, they seem so unfamiliar to me. I feel guilty that i havent gone to see them on there special occassions, yet if i was there i would feel really anxious all the time, nervous, and worried about many things. i’ve chosen guilt over the other emotions i could feel if i was there. is that the right choice? i don’t know, but it’s the choice i made.
I think today i’ve decided im not going to go back to work next week. I think if im well for a couple of weeks, then maybe i will go back to work, but i think im not very well at at the moment. i cant spend time around family, how on earth am i going to spend time around 600 strangers?! because im not very well, i think i will take some more time off of work, and i will give it another two weeks at least before i go back. its just so difficult when it comes to thinking about money. yes, i earn less, but im not fit for work. its a horrible dilemma. At least my work are supportive of me. they know there is something wrong and they just let me get on with it without any interruptions.
I also feel like i may have overstayed my welcome at my grandparents. i’ve ben here over a week now, and obviously they havent had any time on there own because i haven’t been out of the house. I think i’ll have to start thinking about moving on. the only problem is, i’ve just started trusting my grannies food. I will have to start all of that over again with other people if i stay elsewhere. one thing that isn’t on my mind is going back home. i can’t be alone, and i cant look after myself all of the time unfortunately, so staying with family is my only option i feel, even if it does make me fel bad for getting in the way.
Even though my medication increase has made me tired, im going to try and stay up late tonight. there is something on the television that i want to watch, so i will do that. probably means i wont get up until late afternoon tomorrow, but hey! im not at work tomorrow, so i can stay up late. i’ll probably end up falling to sleep though. Hmmm, a thought that has just popped into my head. i could go over to my dads tonight. i wonder if he will mind or not. I’ll give him a bell and see.
One other thing i would like to say is……Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. it makes me feel good that people are taking an interest in my illness, without any critisism. It very much keeps me going on here, and does spark a little positivity in myself.
Anyway, im off!