So, today i decided i need to stay somewhere else. I’ve been a burden on my grandparents for too long now, and they deserve some alone time without me. I could tell i was starting to get in the way. whether it was watching something on t.v, accidentally standing in their way or even saying the wrong things. They don’t deserve to have the hassle of looking after me. I’m 25, i should be able to do it myself anyway, but alas, i cant, so i’ve just driven for two hours to stay with my mum.
I didn’t get up very early today, actually about half three, this afternoon. i think this was mainly because i stayed up late. i think this change in my sleeping pattern has affected me as well. I feel i have a very short fuse today. i constantly had to keep biting my lip in front of my grandad because the smallest things he did really annoyed me. I feel as though i have bought this issue to my mums though, because i really want to argue with someone. I few years ago i had rage quite badly, and this was from building up loads of emotions for a long time. I feel the need to argue more nowadays because of this. i think if i let my emotions out its lifting a huge weight off my shoulders. i expect myself to get into an argument very soon. One thing i am worried about is the fact i might argue with my step father, who i never said a bad word to, or about. he’s a good guy, but if pushes my buttons even slightly, that might spell disaster. i’ll hold it all in for my mum i think, if i need to shout.
I have noticed my self getting worse in different ways today as well. i am very shut off at the moment. this spells disaster for improvement because usually when i feel like this i go into my own little world. like i’ve mentioned before, i’ll start making up stories about people in my head. these stories will get me angry and confused. so this doesn’t help with my anger towards people. that’ll build up for a while now because i’m always to scared to let my emotions out. I’ve also noticed that i’m twitching a lot more. I think this is my body trying to fight off any bad thoughts that i have. the reason i think it’s this is because it only happens when i am thinking bad things. i’m sure there is a correlation there somewhere. next stop, stutter town!
I also found out this evening that me eating my grannies food is not transferable to other peoples food. as soon as i was offered some dinner at my mums i was immediately worried about contamination. Looks like i’m going to struggle to eat while i’m at my mums. I can usually resolve this by going to the shop and buying crap food. this will be really difficult for me as well because i have the munchies because of my meds. so, no eating, yet feeling like i’m starving all the time. this is going to be great fun! NOT!
I also don’t know how long i’m going to be here. i’m thinking about a week. I might leave sooner. there is no escape here. because the area is unfamiliar i don’t know where to go if i need to get away. no sea fishing as well. that is my big escape thing. Although my cousins are coming to visit in a couple of weeks so i think i might take one of them fishing with me. i think he’ll enjoy it. i know its no replacement for my brother-in-law, but at least i get to go sea fishing with a new face.
It’s funny, today i had loads of things in my head that i wanted to say, but they have all disappeared as soon as i sat down to write this. well i suppose if i remember, i can just write it all down tomorrow.
One thing i will say is, moving where i’m staying i know is a bad move, but again, i cant burden other parts of my family with me, so this is the reason i have moved.
Talk to you tomorrow.