So its an early blog for me today. this partly because i can, partly because i’m bored of just getting caught up in my thoughts, and partly because i have thought of a few things to write, and i reckon i’ll probably forget them if i don’t write them down soon. So my post today is not so much about my illness, but more about my life life, and by life life, i mean about social aspects, my personal worries about my future, and bringing up some stuff from the past. so i’ll crack on!, but there will be a few bits about my illness in there as well. starting with eating.
So today i hinted to my mum that i needed to go out to get some food. i didn’t want to just want to go out my own. right now it seems impossible to do on my own. I need to go out and get food though. i need to know what i’m eating hasn’t been contaminated, and walking around the shop helps me with that because i decide what is and isn’t contaminated. I didn’t just want to tell my mum that i needed to go out because i didn’t want to put her out, stop her from what shes doing, but she didn’t get the hint unfortunately. My mum does keep offering me food in the house, but the more food she says i can have, the less food becomes available to me, because everything she mentions, i then worry she has poisoned it. its not a nice thought that my mum is contaminating my food, i can see reasons why she wants me out of her life. i get in the way, i’m a burden on the family, i’m a failure, just to name a few reasons. So eating has become very difficult all of a sudden. i might sneak out in the middle of the night to the shops so i don’t run into as many people, yet i may still run into people, and at night, more inclined to run into trouble, especially as i would be on my own. in fact i’ve decided its too dangerous to go out on my own, so i wont. no food for me!
when i woke up this morning as well, i decided to put on my happy face. i don’t often do this, but i don’t want anyone to worry about me, after all i am annoyingly ill, and i imagine people will get frustrated by this if i show it. So happy face goes on, so people think i’m fine today. One really bad thing about this is it all builds up in my head, so actually i look and sound great, but inside i feel dead. oh well, so long as everyone else is happy that’s the most important thing. what would you rather have? one very unhappy person, or many unhappy people. no brainer right?! i shall carry on as Mr Normal from now on. A little lie like this cant hurt anyone.
right, i said this post would be less about my illness and more about life, so i shall crack on with it. One thing i never discuss with anyone is my love life. I’ve been single a long time now, partly out of choice and partly because i really am one of those undateables. I’ve had moments where i’ve met women, and thought they’re great. i’ve even asked one girl out on a date, which for me is immense, as i am pretty gutless when it comes to things like this, after all they are pretty much strangers. I do worry about my love life every now and again. what if i never meet anyone?! i think everyone who’s single worries about this. i just think its difficult for me because i’m not the best in a challenging situation, a situation where i’m not comfortable. i just hope someone comes a long who i am really truly happy with, and they are truly happy with me. However, there is one girl i am quite drawn to. shes funny attractive, and i know her a bit better i feel more comfortable with. i don’t think she feels the same way about me though, but you never know, things might change.
i’ve also been thinking about long lost friends. those ones who you were really great friends with, but you don’t even have them as a friend on Facebook anymore! i’ve looked back, and there are a few people i would love to talk to again. some of them i have worked with, some i went to school with, and just some others i knew for years. there is one specific that i mentioned in my blog a while back. she and i were best friends (well, she was mine), and she tried to get back in contact with me. i have been quite ill thought and i don’t know if its right to contact her. people did say i should, but i think it might be like meeting a brand new person again, and that makes me uncomfortable. How do people get back in contact with old friends?! it seems impossible. I don’t have many friends anymore, partly because they’ve found love and have focused on that in their life, or because of my illness i’ve never committed to going out, and other things as well. i would like to have more friends, but you cant choose your friends, so maybe i haven’t got a lot of friends for a reason. not nice to think about sometimes.
So, i think i’ve written about everything that was going through my head in regards to writing on here, apart from one thing, which i don’t want to talk about yet (the time will come).