so, today i wrote down things so i would remember them, so i could write them all on here. bearing in mind i woke up to 2pm today, i think i’ve managed to find quite a lot which i felt i needed to share, or get out of my system, or……..whatever. six things in total. so here goes….
at the risk i am going to sound like a broken record, i am going to start talking about my eating disorder. its gone from bad to worse. So, it started with me not eating other peoples food due to it being poisoned. this put me in a bit of trouble, because i would have to go out and get specific stuff from the shops i didn’t think was poisoned. Now i cant even eat that. all food has now been poisoned and i don’t want to eat anything. i know they are only putting poison in my food because they aren’t getting harmed. there are so many reasons why they could be doing this, but i struggle to find the big reason. maybe i’m just not worthy to be alive in their eyes. Stupid food. Mr X (my psychiatrist) know i suffer when eating food, so i must still be o.k because he didn’t step in when i told him. Maybe he’s in on it too. oh great.
I think the next couple of things probably link in quite well together. I’ve been wanting something to do since i woke up this afternoon, but i have no idea what to do. I don’t know if other people want to do anything with me, after all i don’t want to put anyone out (o.k three things i thought about join together). i hate constantly having that thought of inconveniencing people running around in my head. not that anyone would want to do anything with me anyway. so its been bugging me, ‘what can i do?’ loads of things run through my head, but i don’t want to do any of them. so i want to do something, but i don’t want to do any of the things i think about. stupid vicious circle. I think this brings me on to not thinking straight. My mind is all over the place. i’m getting confused because one thought intertwines with another completely different thought, so i end up thinking about the weirdest things. one thing i would say is that it makes me think of the most unusual questions to ask myself about things (does hydrophobic glass frost up? apparently not, so why aren’t we fitting it to every car in the world). in fact, while writing this blog i’ve gone completely into my own world a couple of times, over-thinking things. does my head in. maybe i should just sleep forever, then i don’t have to deal with these annoyances. So…putting people out, being an inconvenience, an annoyance, something that gets in the way. i feel all of these things right now (in fact something just happened that made me feel this really badly, wont go into it).
Anyway, i don’t feel like i’m getting any attention at the moment. I may be ill, and people may be scared to approach me, but come on, i’m human, i need some attention. if people started paying a bit more attention to me and not thinking about how much of an inconvenience my illness is, i might actually feel a bit better. I think it shows in the previous stuff i’ve written that i’m being thrown aside. I need people to like me, i need people to care for me, but this isn’t happening. i don’t feel like an attention seeker, in fact, i am a very quiet person, i don’t make a fuss, i don’t try and get in the way, i don’t talk about myself (even though i do on here). so why don’t people just pay some attention to me for once. now saying that i sound selfish.
All together, everything i talked about today makes me quite sad. in fact, it makes me very sad, so sad i cried through writing most of this, not out loud, but inside, because i don’t want to show my emotions (as i’m still putting on my happy face for people), because i feel very vulnerable. but to be honest, inside i am extremely vulnerable. and i just don’t want to feel like this anymore. i know, i’m a guy, i shouldn’t feel these things, but i do. anyway, im going now. sorry for my moaning.