‘un’happy days.

so, today i wrote down things so i would remember them, so i could write them all on here. bearing in mind i woke up to 2pm today, i think i’ve managed to find quite a lot which i felt i needed to share, or get out of my system, or……..whatever. six things in total. so here goes….

at the risk i am going to sound like a broken record, i am going to start talking about my eating disorder. its gone from bad to worse. So, it started with me not eating other peoples food due to it being poisoned. this put me in a bit of trouble, because i would have to go out and get specific stuff from the shops i didn’t think was poisoned. Now i cant even eat that. all food has now been poisoned and i don’t want to eat anything. i know they are only putting poison in my food because they aren’t getting harmed. there are so many reasons why they could be doing this, but i struggle to find the big reason. maybe i’m just not worthy to be alive in their eyes. Stupid food. Mr X (my psychiatrist) know i suffer when eating food, so i must still be o.k because he didn’t step in when i told him. Maybe he’s in on it too. oh great.

I think the next couple of things probably link in quite well together. I’ve been wanting something to do since i woke up this afternoon, but i have no idea what to do. I don’t know if other people want to do anything with me, after all i don’t want to put anyone out (o.k three things i thought about join together). i hate constantly having that thought of inconveniencing people running around in my head. not that anyone would want to do anything with me anyway. so its been bugging me, ‘what can i do?’ loads of things run through my head, but i don’t want to do any of them. so i want to do something, but i don’t want to do any of the things i think about. stupid vicious circle. I think this brings me on to not thinking straight. My mind is all over the place. i’m getting confused because one thought intertwines with another completely different thought, so i end up thinking about the weirdest things. one thing i would say is that it makes me think of the most unusual questions to ask myself about things (does hydrophobic glass frost up? apparently not, so why aren’t we fitting it to every car in the world). in fact, while writing this blog i’ve gone completely into my own world a couple of times, over-thinking things. does my head in. maybe i should just sleep forever, then i don’t have to deal with these annoyances. So…putting people out, being an inconvenience, an annoyance, something that gets in the way. i feel all of these things right now (in fact something just happened that made me feel this really badly, wont go into it).

Anyway, i don’t feel like i’m getting any attention at the moment. I may be ill, and people may be scared to approach me, but come on, i’m human, i need some attention. if people started paying a bit more attention to me and not thinking about how much of an inconvenience my illness is, i might actually feel a bit better. I think it shows in the previous stuff i’ve written that i’m being thrown aside. I need people to like me, i need people to care for me, but this isn’t happening. i don’t feel like an attention seeker, in fact, i am a very quiet person, i don’t make a fuss, i don’t try and get in the way, i don’t talk about myself (even though i do on here). so why don’t people just pay some attention to me for once. now saying that i sound selfish.

All together, everything i talked about today makes me quite sad. in fact, it makes me very sad, so sad i cried through writing most of this, not out loud, but inside, because i don’t want to show my emotions (as i’m still putting on my happy face for people), because i feel very vulnerable. but to be honest, inside i am extremely vulnerable. and i just don’t want to feel like this anymore. i know, i’m a guy, i shouldn’t feel these things, but i do. anyway, im going now. sorry for my moaning.

Bye.

7 thoughts on “‘un’happy days.

  1. You’re going through so much right now, I wish I had the right words, or a magic wand to take this illness away for you.
    I know this illness has no logic, so I don’t know how to help. Food from the shops can’t be poisoned, or like you say, we’d all be ill.
    And on other posts, you said you don’t like people talking to you, so I expect that’s why people are being quiet, trying to do best for you.
    I hate how this illness is making you so low. When is your next appt?
    Hang in there.

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    1. i’d love it to go away. it all makes no sense. I make no sense sometimes. i dont mind people talking to me, its just being a bit careful about what you talk to me about. i dont like ‘how are you’s?’ ‘everything will be alright’s’. although my mood changes so frequently that as you said, i dont really like people talking to me. i wish people just knew these moods.
      with my food, i try and think as logically as possible, but i get caught up in bad things and i think illogically. I HATE feeling like this. this isnt good.

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      1. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is for you. Could you tell whoever you’re staying with how you’re feeling to help them to help you?
        I am worried about the not eating, could you write a list of all the reasons that shop bought food is ok to eat, and take it to the shop with you as a reminder?
        Perhaps this is a reaction to the stronger meds finding their level?
        Stay strong.

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  2. Hey, I know it’s not really my business or whatever but my therapist gave me an exercise that sort of helps. I keep a journal and every day focus on three targets 1. List the things that bothered me today (what made me upset or anxious) 2. How did I react to these things 3. Name something good that occurred …it seems kind of easy and foolish, but after I’m done writing I always read it over. And then I read it again a few days later. I wonder why I felt certain ways; maybe how I could react better next time…and I could never understand what you’re going through, but I have OCD and I like to imagine myself being a heroine addict- which sounds crazy- but the more I give into my compulsions, the more I finding myself needing them. So I’m trying to put myself through detox, so to speak. I do small things that normally bother me and then push myself until I can’t take it. I want to say I’m doing this on my own but medication is a big help also, along with therapy, especially with the other sides of the disorder. All I’m saying is, don’t discredit yourself. Start small and find reasons to fight the thoughts that bother you. It’s your head and eventually I hope you get the power back. It’s not easy, I’m still in a rut…but I’m finding outlets to channel my emotions. Good luck…

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    1. what i’ll do is i’ll talk to my psychiatrist and see what he has to say, see if he can think of things. you never know, he might come up with this. in fact, i’ll mention it. i dont know when my next appt is with him.

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  3. Hang in there. Treat others the way you’d like to be treated. Start with small conversations. For example, say something about the weather or try even saying a joke. Smile, be polite, listen…. I hope that this will help a bit.

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