Square one, relapse, mission failed.

Well, what a disaster.

So the last couple days have not been great. i’ve been worrying about everything. i’m worried about work. im worried in social situations, and i’ve been worrying that i keep on letting people down. so, i’m going to take you through my worries. sorry.

i’ll start off with people. At the moment i’m getting very anxious around my grandad. the big problem is the person i feel most secure near is my granny, but one comes with the other. so i’m a bit stuck. i feel i’m getting in the way (i know, i’ve felt like this before) and its not nice. im eating his food (at least i’m bloody eating), i’m staying in his house, i’m sitting at his table, watching his TV, sitting in his chairs, the list goes on. i feel really bad because i feel like i’m intruding in his life when all he wants is a quiet life without the hassle of an ill grandson lingering about. But where do i go? do i go back to my mums, where people aren’t going to be around all the time, where i cant go outside because i’m worried that people will judge me, read my thoughts, and think nasty things about me. i cant go to my dads because i always feel like a burden there, and unfortunately his lady doesn’t really know how to deal with me (its not her fault, she just says all the wrong things), i cant go back home yet, i’m not ready. i’m stuck between a rock, a hard place and many other things. i don’t know what to do. what should i do???? i’m asking.

mentioning not being ready, i am scheduled to go back to work on the 8th of march and i’m not sure i’m ready. i told work i will go back. im really nervous because i have a new manager now, im sitting somewhere else, stuff has changed, and worst of all, i’m worried what people are going to think of me. stigma is still about when it comes to mental illness and the last place i really experienced it was at work. i cant be dealing with it. i hate to admit it but i’m fragile. i need people to care for me a bit, i need everyone to huddle around me and protect me and i’m worried i really wont get this at work. i like my job, but not when i’m thinking like this. worst of all i’ve got to go back when i’ve just started feel anxious about being around people. which brings me onto tonight.

Tonight was a test. i went down the pub and there was a party. now, when i’m ok, i’m usually good at parties, but this evening it just showed how bad i actually am. I got to the pub and there were loads of people. i walked in and all of a sudden it felt like everyone was looking at me, everyone started judging me. now, i’m not the most talkative person and this really is a downfall in these situations because if i dont talk people think something is up, and i’m not telling people anything is wrong. I mean, how hard must it be to walk into a busy place and just say to everyone ‘hey, no i’m not o.k, i suffer from mental health issues. that’s going to be even worse! people will then start judging that, then it all comes back to stigma. there are a lot of old fashioned people at the pub, and i know my mental health issues wont swing well. anyway, fact of the matter is i came home early. i couldn’t cope, i stayed outside pretty much chain smoking (eases the pain) freezing cold. 

I dont really want to write any more because this has got me bordeline tears, this is all so upsetting. why on earth do i have to go through all this?!

now i’m in a quiet house. everyone has gone to bed, and all i can think of is what horrible stuff tomorrow brings, because i think this is going to get worse and i’m not looking forward to it. 

so, as i said, the last few days have been pretty pants. BOOOO!

anyway, people wanted to hear me sing, so hear is some of my singing, and because i don’t know how to put a Youtube clip on here, please copy and paste the below link.

P.S, Sorry its not great quality.

2 thoughts on “Square one, relapse, mission failed.

  1. You know how it goes, do something nice for yourself before you go to bed. You’re worth it. Hopefully, it will make the next step or next job a little bit more bearable too. You can do it! I believe in you 🙂 B&B xoxo

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  2. My cousin lived with my grandparents for the beginning of his adult life. I’m sure there were times that were hard for him and times that were hard for my grandparents. But when he looks back now, he thinks of himself as a child of theirs- not just a grandson. And the way they talk about him, it’s really no comparison to everyone else. So, my point, try not to look at yourself as a burden. Think of it as an opportunity to be a part of their lives in a whole new way. You can create a bond with them that you probably wouldn’t have otherwise. And I’m sure if they didn’t want you around, they would make it known. People are only kind for so long, even loved ones. The truth would have come out already.
    And I get like that at parties too. It’s completely obnoxious and ruins the night. But I just wonder sometimes how many people in the room are more damaged than I am- it’s a little dark I suppose, but it helps me feel a bit calmer sometimes.

    You have an amazing talent with your singing. You’re very good. When you’re at work, I bet more than half the people around you can’t sing that well. Everyone has different talents. And no matter what they think of you, they can never take that away. Join a choir or something..share it with people. Show them what you’re really made of.

    Sorry for the long post. I tend to babble haha good luck tho

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