today something really strange happened to me. I have now got a really sour taste in my mouth. I’ve heard of this unusual experience of psychosis. It wont go away and i don’t know what to do. its not really a bad unusual experience, but it is unusual. made eating quite interesting today. i did wonder if someone had something to my food again, but i thought because its happened for a long time it mustn’t be that. as for other unusual experiences i’ve had another moment where i lost control of my body. there have been others recently but only a few. i don’t know if i should be worried or not, but next time i see Mr X i’ll let him know.
that’s another thing i’ve been worrying about. Mr X was supposed to have got in contact with me and he hasn’t. i hope he hasn’t forgotten about me. i’m not very interesting so i wouldn’t be suprised. i do have a few things to tell him. a lot more importantly i need to talk to him about my depression.
my depression is really bad at the moment. i am extremely down, not really for any specific reasons some times. i mean, i get upset about the things ive been talking about but sometimes i just sit there feeling rubbish. i have no energy to do anything. i have just literally just sat there. i have been feeling sleepy a lot as well. i don’t know if this is my meds, but usually if i’m depressed i do get tired. does anyone else get this? All of this depression has made me think about things i don’t like thinking about. Suicide isn’t a nice thing to think about obviously but i have been thinking about it. i haven’t been thinking about how i would do it, but i’ve been thinking of good reasons to do it. I suppose what might pull through is that last time i tried it was my family that stopped me. that tiny bit left in my head that was rational told me that my family would be upset, and that no parent wants to go to their own childs funeral. I’ve got to remind myself of this. hopefully things wont get worse. i’ve been giving my granny frequent hugs just to remind me that there is family out there who do care about me. ohhhhh dear. i’m really not happy at the moment and i don’t know how to change it. I’ve even been watching ‘Friends’ and this hasn’t helped!
I am very sorry to anyone who reads this because my blog has been quite negative but i have to get some of this stuff out of my system. i try not to bore you about my every thought, but some of it helps me. hopefully it helps others. i don’t know. does it? doesn’t it? does any of this even matter? i do try and think of as many positive things as i can, but when someone has mental health issues like i do, i cant imagine there are too many good things.
i did go sea fishing yesterday with my two cousins. i hope they had a good time. they caught fish, and they caught more than everyone else sea fishing. Good on them! i didn’t do any fishing my self because i was helping and i think i enjoyed it. i know i was very tired afterwards.