Today i have again written down things to write about on here. in fact i’ve thought of a good theme, however i am going to use this on a day where i cant think of anything else to write about.
I’ve been thinking recently about lies. I honestly haven’t lied for many years, i see no point in lying, and i don’t see why people lie every day. i have been around when people have lied and even though i’m not the person lying i still feel guilty. i feel like immediately telling the person whose been lied to ‘guess what, that was a lie!’ but you cant do that can you. people lie all the time. people lie to me all the time. i partly think people lie to me to keep me happy (it doesn’t work) or to keep me out of something. other times i just don’t understand why people lie to me. don’t do it, i know you’re lying, just……don’t. i don’t like lying and it makes me angry. in fact, just writing this has made me think of times when people have lied and its making me angry, so i’ll stop writing about it now!
onto relationships! in the past my mental health has been the reason my relationships haven’t gone any further. i have often dipped out of a relationship early so that person didn’t get to know me, didn’t get to know my very unsociable side, my evil side, the side that doesn’t care. most of all i have just put on a happy face while in a relationship just to keep the person i’m with happy. Often i went into a relationship not because i was falling for someone, but merely because it was a normal thing to do. one relationship really sticks in my head. i was in college and there was a girl there, who was single, i was single, and it sort of just made sense for us to go out with each other, it wasn’t anything special, i shouldn’t have even gone out with her, she didn’t know the real me, i mean no one really knew the real me, but i couldn’t let her know. after two months i broke up with her, made her unhappy, i shouldn’t have done it. this was all before anyone knew about my illness, but i knew. its a burden on me, and i didn’t want it to be a burden on anyone else. Nowadays it makes me really wary about going into a relationship. i do tell people about my illness now. i’m sort of putting all of my baggage on the table straight away so that people know. i don’t care if it scares people off, but i need to do it. However! as i mentioned recently, there is a girl i know, who i like properly, for the first time in a long time (seeing as my last relationship ended because of my illness, even though she knew, but didn’t understand), can a woman be charming? if so, the girl i like is charming, she’s really nice and i feel really comfortable around her. i just worry that if i made an actual move and things went wrong it would just make me even more wary of relationships. *sigh* i don’t know what to do. let life just get on with itself i suppose. anyway, who would want to date me, in pants! just noticed how much i’ve written about this so i’ll stop.
I will briefly talk about the first time i realised there was something wrong with me. now, i didn’t know anything was wrong with me until about 5 years later, but looking back i can pinpoint when it all started. I was 8 years old (early, i know!) and i woke up, and i wasn’t right straight away. i got dressed really early and got ready to leave about 2 hours before school. i got to school and i went straight to the corner of the classroom with a chair and sat looking out of the window the whole day. i got given work for the day and finished it in about half an hour, i didn’t go out for lunch or break, i just sat their doing nothing. looking back i feel really sorry for myself. when i turned 13 i realised there was something wrong with me and denied it for years. i started smoking, not because of peer pressure but because i had heard it relieves stress (and i stressed about everything). I hid it from people for years, i tried to ignore it, i put on a fake smile for years before i told anyone anything. in fact i tried to tell my mum once, i was watching the TV and she told me to go out and play with my friends and i told her i had none. she didn’t seem to care, so again my happy face went straight back on. i do reminisce about my past in a weird sort of way because its my past, like how people look back in their lives and enjoy the memories, i think about my illness.
Right, i’ve done what i didn’t want to do and that is to talk about my past, and my life with mental illness, i shall save that for another time.
as i keep mentioning, i feel lost at the moment, i pace around the house all day not knowing what to do. i don’t want to do anything but i want to do something at the same time. i don’t want to disrupt people but i want to do things with people as well. i don’t want to do things on my own but no one wants to do anything with me. people will suggest stuff, but its all rubbish. people don’t want to spend any time with me, i’m rubbish company. i think its all part of my depression. i am very very low at the moment, and i don’t feel as though it will improve any time soon. as i was talking about yesterday, i’ve been having some bad thoughts, and i don’t like it. I’ve been counting down the days till i go back to work, its less than two weeks now, so its getting close, and i’m worried i will go back and i will have to leave again. if i do i don’t think ill be able to work ever again. well that’s how it feels. not looking forward to it.
One thing i have been thinking about is a holiday. i haven’t been on holiday for a very long time. years and years, and i think i’m overdue one. i don’t know where to go, i’ll have to go on my own because no one will want to go on holiday with me. i’m rubbish at planning as well. i don’t have a passport, but i suppose i could go on holiday in the U.K, there are some nice places. i don’t want to go on holiday on my own though. i’m a bit stuck.
Right, ive written tonnes today so i do apologise.
i shall write more tomorrow.