So, ive been worrying about a few things recently, stuff that i haven’t written about on here really, and maybe a bit of stuff people can gossip about as well. so here goes, hope i don’t bore you too much, but basically i need help!
right, i’m beginning to worry because Mr X hasn’t called. last time we met up was about a week and a half ago, and he said he would get back in touch with me within the next couple of days after. he has not. i need to talk to him about my medication, i need to talk to him about how i’m feeling. i feel i cant talk to other people about this. i get very emotional telling people like family my ‘problems’, and often i get worried they’ll judge me or they’ll change the way they act around me. i don’t need people to completely change around me, i just need a few things changed. its not a lot to ask, i suppose its like being a vegetarian, you eat other peoples food, just not all of it. i find it hard when normal people ask me how i am, how am i supposed to answer???? i’d rather not answer, i just immediately ask them how they are, thus avoiding that problem straight away. anyway, when Mr X asks me how i am i just answer honestly, words, feelings, emotions just gush out, and i need that right now. why hasn’t he called is something else i really worry about. am i not worth talking to any more? is he fed up with me? does he not like me? what have i done wrong. I talked to my mum today and she told me to call or text him. i cant call or text him, i don’t want to make a fuss of anything and i think there must be a reason as to why he hasn’t got in contact with me. i don’t know. i do worry. i need to talk to him about going back to work as well. HMPH! oh well, just one more thing to worry about.
Now, i get ideas in my head of things to do, but i never want to do them once i start. i’m finding it really hard to find things to do, things that would stimulate me. people suggest things, “come over! have some tea with us!” by all means please keep on asking but the majority of thew time i will say no because that’s just how i’m feeling. i don’t feel like doing anything anyone suggests, even though the suggestions are few and far between anyway. i’m not interesting enough to have people pay attention to me, i do wish i was more interesting, i feel the only time i possibly am interesting is talking about my illness. for those who want to know, yes i hear things, i see things, i think things, and i’ve done things in the past, all these things i do unusually, please feel free to ask me about these things. Anyway, i don’t know what to do, i just potter around watching television, staring into space, getting too caught up in my thoughts. i think i need something big ad spontaneous to happen for me to get the thrill out of anything. i don’t know. See! i need help!
now, on a more normal note, i’ve been quite good with my money while i’ve been off work. this month i spent nearly £400 less than my wage so ive got some money for the more difficult times (if it comes to it) in my life. i don’t quite know how i’ve done this because when im off work i usually spend more money! well, i suppose its a good thing. now for something that worries me. I’ve been staying at my grandparents for a little while now. yes, i’ve been other places as well, but the majority of the time i’ve been spending it at my grandparents. i feel bad because i’m not paying housekeeping. i have to pay my own rent even though i’m not there at the moment, and yes i’ve got a bit of money, but do i ‘pay my way’ at my grandparents. i do stuff around the house, as much as i can (i’ll come to just how useless i am in a moment) and i bought them quite a nice Christmas present as a thank you for last time. should i pay housekeeping? should i just buy them something really nice when i’m back to normal? i don’t know. talking about money to people is difficult. thank goodness for this blog!
I dont really look after myself when im ill. i don’t wash as much as i should, i don’t shave very often, even brushing my teeth gets put to one side as well. i certainly don’t look after my weight (even though a lot of weight is to do with my meds), and i really don’t pull my weight. I need to even get stimulated to get out of bed in the AFTERNOON! i have really slowed down on drinking alcohol anyway. my medication (Olanzopine) doesn’t mix well with alcohol, so i only do it on the odd occasion. i don’t know what to do about all of this. i need to get that ‘get up and go’ attitude, but i really just don’t have it right now. I also haven’t had the urge to have sex in a very long time either. it doesn’t bother me that much but, to coin a phrase from the tv show ‘friends’, “i’m worried for my health!” its really something i should be stimulated about, but i’m not. But i reckon its better that i have feelings for someone at the moment, romantic feelings, and they are nice. i haven’t felt them for a very long time.
Right, im going to go now, i was going to write about something else today but i’ve just got so much on my mind, i just write certain things down.