blog neglection, and stuff i don’t tell people.

Yes, i know, i have completely neglected my blog, and this will change. i have many excuses including moving house, going back to work, and yes, i’m just a bit rubbish at committing to things. anyway, this is my update to that interesting story called life….starting with…….

 

I’ve moved house! i now live on my own and its absolute bliss. i have my own furniture, i have my own tv, i have my very own bathroom, garden, three bedrooms, and my very own bills (boo to that last bit). i now live next door to my dad and his family (also mine of course). im sitting here with my feet up at the start of a week off work, and i am very much looking forward to relaxing in this next week. it took me a while to get internet so i haven’t been able to write the blog i love to write. I’ve had a few visitors, all of which is family. i am very much a family man, i love them to bits, BUT! i haven’t had any friends over yet. i need to get them to come over, but i feel funny asking for some reason. i think its just a bit of anxiety. i know i want one person to come over more than any other, someone i haven’t seen in ages, but i don’t think that’ll happen. come on guys and girls, i have a wonderful abode!

lets come on to work. i am finally back to work, in my new team (who are all awesome) and its going well! i am fitting back into work, i am taking calls and doing it very well. i am seeing all the old faces as well which, every time it happens, feels like a treat. when i say its going well, its going quite well. there are some downs. i’ve been reluctant to talk too much in the new team. i don’t want to seen to be that guy who talks, and is talking about a load of rubbish. i mean, i hope that’s not me anyway, but i would hate to be that person. i do think my illness is playing a part in my work. i’m anxious sometimes, i get a bit paranoid. i mean, my boss seems like quite a…..i cant quite think of the word, he seems sort of tough, i feel intimidated by him, and i haven’t had that at work for quite a while. it means i don’t ask for help as much as i want to. i’ve really got to try harder i think. i want to talk to my boss about coaching people, about helping people, because that’s what i really love about my job. so yes, ups and downs in my job. i think i need a good team night out or something just to really blend into the team, let my hair down. This brings me onto my next thing.

I LOVE drinking. i can let my hair down, i can have a good time, it loosens me up and relaxes me. i mean, i’m not an alcoholic, but i like to feel that pleasure of being relaxed. I’m giving it up. i really shouldn’t be drinking because of my medication, and this is the reason i am giving up. i get sick from drinking just a small amount of alcohol, and it stops my meds from working. so, for the pleasure of drinking for one night, i am then ill for two nights, and i hate being unwell, you all know how bad i get and i really cant get like that. i end up panicking that i’ll stay unwell, and then loads of bad thoughts come along. so, no drinking for Mr Tom.

onto my illness. if you haven’t read my previous blogs i suffer from mental health issues. schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, paranoia, just get general psychosis, and i take a lot of meds for it. It’s like that monster under the bed at the moment. i go to bed every night worrying that in my sleep its going to come out and grab me, i’m going to wake up and its going to be there, and its not going to let go. luckily most morning i wake up and i don’t feel bad, but sometimes i wake up and i really do worry. i try and fight it on my own, and i seem to win most of the time, but while i’ve been at work i have had to call on people a couple of times. I sort of want to forget it every exists, forget it can control me so much, forget that i have a massive burden that i’m going to have the rest of my life (getting a bit emotional writing this by the way), and i just think it’ll never happen. such a big part of my life and i HATE HATE HATE IT!

anyway, that’s enough from me. i’m hoping i will write more on here this week. fingers crossed. im sure i can think of things ive been up to while i’ve been away from here. BYE!

 

P.S. i need to do something about my love life, i’m sure i’ll write about this soon.

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