Out of place.

well, as i said, i will now be giving an update of the last three days of my life, and boyo, weren’t they just the best! actually no, no they weren’t. some good has come from the last three days though, and i managed to figure it out today. so here goes.

on Friday my plans were to meet up with an old friends and go to the cinema. i was already having doubts when i was writing the last post on my blog the other day. i cancelled these plans because i really wasn’t confident enough to meet up with them. i got really anxious, i was worried what they might have thought of me, judged me on appearance, judged everything i said. after all, i haven’t seen this person for ages, i get like this. as i said, i had to cancel. i do feel really weak because of this. my illness still gets the better of me and i don’t think this will ever change, i wish it would, but i really don’t think it will change. gotta just keep taking those meds, gotta just keep staying as strong as possible, and more importantly, figure out those triggers.

right, i cancelled my plans for Friday night, and then a couple of hours later i find myself with new plans. i was asked to go to the pub to meet my friends. these were my Saturday night plans, but they got moved. so, i went to the pub, and wasn’t this a bad move! i felt so out of place. i felt like a complete stranger between friends. i felt so alone all night. I was around friends, i should be happy, i should feel welcomed, i should feel comfortable, but this really wasn’t the case. i found myself afraid to talk because of what might come out of my mouth. i was afraid to show emotion for most of the night. i was really afraid of being judged. I know, i’ve noticed i’m moaning, i’m sorry, but this is where i come to moan, just show my emotions, to show how i feel, and i don’t care who reads it.

one thing that really got me down on Friday night was the fact that it felt like everyone had someone, and i had no one. this has been a really big part of my blog recently. i don’t have anyone, and this makes me feel lonely. i don’t know how i’m going to find someone. people say ‘stop looking and the right person will find you’. I’m a quiet person, someone that wouldn’t look for love, and it would find me, but this really doesn’t feel like the case. i’m starting to think i’m going to be alone forever. i am really worried, and this is really starting to put a downer on my life. I ended up leaving early to try and help myself.

Anyway, Saturday was a sort of ‘non’ day. not a lot happened. my sister came over to stay and that’s about it. i had a barbecue in the lovely weather we’ve been having here in Blighty. that is all really.

on to today. today was a bit of a mixed day. it was a family day out. i went to a classic car show. it was nice to surprise my uncle as well because it is the day before his birthday and he wasn’t expecting his family to turn up. However i’m not the best with some of the faces that were there. i mean, everyone who was there was nice, but some of them have big personalities that i really cant deal with. i called it an early day in regards to this because i didn’t want to feel uncomfortable. and that was today.

as i said at the beginning some good came of the last three days. this is that i can notice what makes me bad, when i get bad, and why i get bad. i don’t think i give myself enough credit for being able to do this. this is really tricky, and i wish i could have done it sooner, it could have saved a lot of trouble in the past. so, in the last three days i have managed to avert a bad situation where i really am not comfortable. also, i haven’t stuck around in the bad situations just because i feel its the right thing to do, and getting over whether people judge me for leaving. this is a good step.

back to work this week as well after a week off. got to get over the whole theory that my boss is intimidating and get on with work, tell him how i feel, and iron out any problems at work this week.

thanks for letting me moan peeps. i’m off for another day. Tarra!

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