Right, so i was having quite a horrible conversation today. horrible because today i confirmed something i never wanted to confirm. i’ve talked about it in the past to a couple of people and i still thought there was some certainty in the opposite of what i was talking about. I can’t have children. im not sterile or anything, i would be a terrible terrible father. living with my mental health issues makes me a little less ordinary than other people i suppose. the conversation today was that i would never hurt my children, and i never would physically, but what happens when one day my kids wake up and im gone, i no longer exist. they have to live without a father. this is horrible writing this because ever since i was young my dream was to just have children have a lovely wife and own a house. they were still my dreams up until a couple of years ago. since then my illness has taken over too much, and my dream now is just to get better. i dont think my offing myself is the only reason i would be a terrible father. i get confued a lot, i get scared easily. i cant upack a dishwasher because im worried ill break absolutely everything. what on earth am i going to be like picking up my kids when they need looking after. there is a little child in my life, and i worry every day that im going to hurt him, im worried somehow i will make a mistake and that would be it. i cant live like that. so, no kids for me. I think the only way i would have kids is if i had a wife thgat could take on an awful lot. me and children. i think this is impossible and i could never ask anyone to do that.
i hate it when tears roll down my face, and this is one of these moments. so far this post is very different from yesterdays positivity. lifes a fucking shitter sometimes.
i also have something else on my mind. i ‘live’ on benefits. a very small amount to make sure i can pay for meds, pay for peoples fuel to get me places i need to go. a little bit of money for self help therapy (a beer if i need one). just recently ive been feeling guilty about this purely because of what a couple of friends have posted on facebook about people who live on benefits. i have to keep convincing myself that even though i live on benefits, i really am not taking the piss, but then the negativity gets the better of me. i hate my life right now.
at the moment i am hanging onto the last positive things i have. you even forget about anyone else in your life when you are feeling this low. it doesnt matter what love is when you feel this low. i just try my hardest to make my life the best it can be at the time. i dont know how im going to be over the next couple of weeks. ive got plans, but who knows whether ill keep to them. i’ve got this blog i suppose as well, but this is just a way for me to tell strangers how i feel.
i just want to curl up today. i want to stay away from everything, i done want to ‘be’ right now. life is difficult.
im going now.