no kids, no money, no hope?

Right, so i was having quite a horrible conversation today. horrible because today i confirmed something i never wanted to confirm. i’ve talked about it in the past to a couple of people and i still thought there was some certainty in the opposite of what i was talking about. I can’t have children. im not sterile or anything, i would be a terrible terrible father. living with my mental health issues makes me a little less ordinary than other people i suppose. the conversation today was that i would never hurt my children, and i never would physically, but what happens when one day my kids wake up and im gone, i no longer exist. they have to live without a father. this is horrible writing this because ever since i was young my dream was to just have children have a lovely wife and own a house. they were still my dreams up until a couple of years ago. since then my illness has taken over too much, and my dream now is just to get better. i dont think my offing myself is the only reason i would be a terrible father. i get confued a lot, i get scared easily. i cant upack a dishwasher because im worried ill break absolutely everything. what on earth am i going to be like picking up my kids when they need looking after. there is a little child in my life, and i worry every day that im going to hurt him, im worried somehow i will make a mistake and that would be it. i cant live like that. so, no kids for me. I think the only way i would have kids is if i had a wife thgat could take on an awful lot. me and children. i think this is impossible and i could never ask anyone to do that.

i hate it when tears roll down my face, and this is one of these moments. so far this post is very different from yesterdays positivity. lifes a fucking shitter sometimes.

i also have something else on my mind. i ‘live’ on benefits. a very small amount to make sure i can pay for meds, pay for peoples fuel to get me places i need to go. a little bit of money for self help therapy (a beer if i need one). just recently ive been feeling guilty about this purely because of what a couple of friends have posted on facebook about people who live on benefits. i have to keep convincing myself that even though i live on benefits, i really am not taking the piss, but then the negativity gets the better of me. i hate my life right now.

at the moment i am hanging onto the last positive things i have. you even forget about anyone else in your life when you are feeling this low. it doesnt matter what love is when you feel this low. i just try my hardest to make my life the best it can be at the time. i dont know how im going to be over the next couple of weeks. ive got plans, but who knows whether ill keep to them. i’ve got this blog i suppose as well, but this is just a way for me to tell strangers how i feel.

i just want to curl up today. i want to stay away from everything, i done want to ‘be’ right now. life is difficult.

im going now.

Bye.

One thought on “no kids, no money, no hope?

  1. I know this one 😦 I think I’d be a terrible mum because I’d pass on my anxieties to my kids, and I don’t want anyone to feel like I do. Unlike you I didn’t want kids until recently, and now I’ve left it too late. All I’ll say is never say never, this is how you feel now, and the struggles you have now, but that might well change, don’t go ruling it out. But use this time to get yourself back on track x

    Like

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