i just thought………i dont think ive ever explained what i go through on here. what i properly suffer from. lets do it!
i am diagnosed with a few different things. they all intertwine in some way or another. ill start off with a list. i suffer from depression, anxiety, rage (doesnt happy very often), paranoia, and im just going to label the next few as psychosis.
how does thisd affect me………….so i think depression anxiety and rage explain themselves…….feeling empty, alone, worthless, really anxious around people, new places, (when the door knocks like it just did), heart goes a million miles an hour. rage…….all of a sudden i getr angry over the smallest things. and when i say angry, i mean really really angry. smash stuff up. just like a massive tantrum. blah blah blah, theres lots more, but im going to get onto psychosis. With my psychosis, i get delusional thoughts about pretty much everything. i can make stories up in my head, and make up situations and it becomes real (in my head that is), but i do believe that these things are real. i try not to let people tag on to this because its embarrassing. it is the main thing that keeps me in the house becasue someone could say something like…..’do you want to go to the shops?’ and i think………..shops, ill get there and itll be burnt down, ill get blamed, ill go to prison. that was my first thought as i wrote that, and thewse sorts of stories play out in my head as real. anyway, thats one thing. i also see things. i see frank, hes not nice, he just appears and usually just has one message for me………’do it’ repetitively. this is often when im thinking of the worst things possible, he will appear and tell me to do my thoughts. this i do not like. luckily for me i run away from frank, i dont do the bad things hes tells me to do. the only time i do bad things is when i think i should do them, and dont worry because i only do bad things to myself. what else. my paranoia is something else! for starters i believe people can read my mind (not always, so luckily i can determine this as paranoia right at the moment) and this scares me. i believe i know peoples thoughts. what else…………i believe people are out to get me. people do plot against me. i have thought this in the past and i have been right, and its so hard to get those sorts of thoughts out of my head. ohhhhhhh, i am broken. there are so many other things that are wrong with me. its like when i see a new doctor or specialist, they ask me lots of things and i cant think of all the things that are wrong with me. maybe i should write a list down and just show them in the future. anyway, im going make this post two posts because ive written quite a lot, and i think readin it all in one session is a bit too much.
bye for now!