So, i took a few days off from writing on here, mostly because i had no motivation over the last few days. when i have no motivation i cant think of anything to write. so lets see if i write anything interesting today. As i’ve always said i never have a list of things to write but i just get on here and start writing.
let me start by talking about my lack of motivation. I’ve not wanted to do anything for the last few days, but suprisingly i think i’ve done quite well. i helped someone out at the allotment. lots of digging, a bit of exercise (rare for me nowadays). once i do get stuck into a task i have to see it through. hopefully ill be able to get down there again today and see if i still have that get up and go once im down there. i went out for dinner, to a VERY busy place. i was very anxious, not least because the fire alarm went off and i had a mini panic attack inside, it didnt seem to bother anyone else though. i spoilt my diet over the lasty few days because of my lack of motivation. i just have to do whatever it takes to make myself feel a little nicer, and if that means eating, eating it is! i didnt even have the motivation to take my medication. i just dont feel like it works when im like this.
i was left on my own in the house yesterday. i am never good when i am left on my own. i have no one to talk to, and i have nothing to do. well, i do have something to do…………..think. thinking is bad for me, very very bad for me. when my mind is left to its own devices its almost like its someone controlling my mind, making me think a whole bunch of things i dont want to think. so what did i think about yesterday? failure stuff. ive failed to make a life for myself. i failed in my job, i failed in getting a house, saving, being happy, letting people down countless times, ive even failed just to get out the house. there was an advert on E4 the other day for the elections, a guy was asked how many life changing events he has missed due to watching too much tv. this made me think, how many life changing events have i missed, not because of too much television, but worrying too much about my damn self and how im going to be, that i dont take the opportunities given to me. i really am fed up with myself right now. i hurt constantly and i just want something to make this better, im not holkding out much hope though.
see, im sitting here thinking, ‘why the hell do i even do this?!’ im not going to help anyone with any of this. i suppose i can just ramble on and see if it helps me, but last time i wrote my blog for a while i got worse. is it writing on my blog that makes me worse? is it just a coincidence? i dont know. i’ll chance it i think, and i’ll keep writing.
So, frank hasnt properly shown himself yet. still feeling his presence, still hate the dark. im jsut waiting for the day that he does appear. i thought it would be over the last few days because i havent taken my meds. maybe its jsut a delayed reaction, my meds will wear off and ill see him. do you know what asi type this i hope it happens. with the horror of what comes, there is also an ecstasy that i get as well. i get into this sort of mental zone where nothing matters, where i dont matter, where im almsot brain dead, and its lovely. does anyone else get this????? does anyone like it when they do get this feeling? i think the only think that is important is that i am safe at the time. im a palce i know, sort of like a safe house, around safe people.