Hello! i havent been here for a bit. thought i would spread my damaged wings and write some m,ore about my illness.
well, this is my most difficult month of the year, and no matter how little i think about past octobers, its still always bad. let me fill you in on some stuff that ive only just told my closest family (and yes, this is going public).
it all started with three consecutive octobers a few years ago. (ok this is already very difficult). so, a few octobers ago i thought i had lost everything, i thought i was a complete waste of space, no one loved me, and i had no future. i got low, very low, lower than you can even imagine. i took a trip to my most loved place (now somewhere i hate to go). i thought it was fitting that i used this place as the final place i would ever be. so, obviously you know what im on about, im still here because of a man walking his dog, he came in, dragged me out and put me up for the night, washed and dried my clothes, woke me up in the morning and sent me on my way. ‘please dont do this again’ (i didnt listen obviously), ‘ i dont want to see you again, be careful’. these were the only words he uttered to me. someone cared. someone stopped me, he may not have loved me, but i saw some good in the world, maybe something worth living for, maybe. (since then i learnt he could have done more, but what am i to ask, he call the police, i get sectioned, i want to kill myself even more???? maybe he did do the right thing, i always think about this day. october 26 2009.
October number two. the year after the last night of my life (sort of). Im at my mums, i thought i’d watch a film, halloween, clever me!!! Donnie Darko. A film about a time loop, and being able to see the immediate future. a lot of people see this part of the film, i see the troubled boy with psychosis, who has uncontrolable thoughts. A boy who has a ‘friend’, a friend which has become my worst nightmare. ‘frank’. I have adapted this pretend charachter, from a film, that someone else sees, as my own hallucination. GO! this is where my hallucainations started. this is where i started hearing things, this is where i first experienced these positive symptoms of schizophrenia. i actually remember watching the film, straight after the film my sister came downstairs and saw me. she looked shocked ‘are you ok?, you look like you’ve seen a ghost!’ not even i knew at this time that i would end up seeing a ‘ghost’ that always haunts me. october 31 2010.
october number three. there’s not much more i can say about october number three that i havent said in october number one. two years later, almsot to the day, i had a new favourite place, i chose this place to end my life, this year was the worst. i had all the problems of 2 years before, except this time it wasnt entirely my choise to do what i was doing. ‘do it’ ‘do it’ ‘do it’. the two most frightening words i could ever hear. not nice having frank hanging over you, whispering this in your ear. its so real, well, right then, at that moment (and all the other times i see him) i think it is real. bad thoughts, and someone telling you to end your life is a bad mix. im there, plucking up my courage. side note quickly, its terrible even if a spot of rain lands on your phone, because of previous jobs, ive had ruined phones due to water, but you never want to get your phone wet, anyway, i was chest deep, plucking up my courage, holding my phone above my head (because i didnt want to get wet, how stupid am i?!) and it rings, its my mum. imagine having sex, and your phone rings, and its your mum! what do you do?! i guess i would stop and answer! thats what i did in this situation (if you can compare). she doesnt know what i was up to. i was embarrased! i sat on the edge and talked to my mum, she had no clue where i was, what i was doing, no idea about my thoughts, she just wanted to talk to her son. i walked home. october 24 2011.
none of my octobers have been as bad since 2011. some have been pretty bloody rocky! i mean last year i gave up work (very big decision), and moved house back to my mums. in general, my behaviour has just been worse, even if i havent thought about the three octobers. i dont know what it is, i dont know why. i just thought, october 2008 was the month i first told people about my problems, after hiding it for year for fear of being completely rejected, bullied, and general stigma. bad month.
now. i dont want people to worry about me. i am currently ‘ok’. this october has also been difficult, but things arent half as bad as they could be. people, this last year has been an education, you can live with mental health issues, people take them seriously, people try and look after you, even if they have no idea how, they try. people care, they care about me, and other people care about you. honestly, i cant see another october as bad as these past ones, sure they are bad, but with support you can get through the hard times. sharing is important, share what you are going through, what you’ve been through, dont let it be a burden on you, talk. talking to people, any people, it’s the best therapy, and hopefully someone will be there to talk, and if they arent, im here to talk to. I’ve also learnt that people without mental health issues want to learn, educate people, educate yourself, the internet is a wonderful tool for this.
i think thats all i have to say. i think this will probably be a one off blog for a while. i just wanted to get my troubles out there. im not the only one who struggles, and other people share similar stories, you know what, those people are some of thew strongest people ive met, read about and love. they may have had bad times, they may have had weaknesses, but you know, they come back stronger, they have been through hell, and have come back more than just a person, they’ve come out of it a hero of mine, and i will just thank all of you for just being.
P.S sorry about any grammer and spelling mistakes.