so, i said the other day that my post would be a one off. i have actually decided that im going to write every now and again though. so here we go.
this post will mainly be about my weird thoughts that i have that i am fighting aganist at the moment. what i will say is that even though i know they are weird, most of the time i do believe them.
the other week we got next door neighbours. (ok, its already hard to write about because im worried im just going to get laughed at, but i’ll try) So, my next door neighbours are quiet, too quiet. hang on………..let me take you back just under a year. i was having my evaluation for PIP (not sure what it stands for, but its a benefit you get in the u.k if you have a disability) and after i had the meeting with the nurse at my house i was so paranoid. ‘theyre spying on me!’ i kept thinking to myself. everyone who walked past was taking notes, making sure i wasnt faking it, making sure i was telling the truth. i was worried to leave the house, make my own foodv and drink, worried about even getting up in the morning in case they saw my curtains open. all of this stuff would have denied me what i really needed because they thought i was faking it. funny thing was, i couldnt make my own food or drink, i couldnt go out, and i could barely get up in the morning anyway! it was weird though, i felt like i couldnt even if i wanted to because of all the eyes on me. i believed the man living opposite was working for the government, watching me, spying on me. anyway, im rambling. my next door neighbours are working for the government. i can tell. im not sure what they are planning, but its going to happen soon. im scared because, of course, im thinking it could be anything from killing me to kidnapping me! its not nice.
the russians are going to bomb us! every plane that flies over my head says ‘russian war plane’. i sit up at night waiting for the warning, waiting to die immediately, or waiting for the third world war. this is scary. it’s worse………..theyre after me. im not sure why, i know iv e done nothing wrong, but i feel like they think i know something………i dont!!! usually i struggle to eat at home, but now i struggle to eat out (thats not the actual going out, ive struggled with thgat for years, its the actual eating when i get the guts to go out). because im worried the russians have poisoned my food. i hate this. i get very scared.
the wrost thing of all is……………i’ve been trrying to educate people this month on mental health, but no one cares. im alone in a horrible world. im alone even in the place i should feel most welcomed, im alone even with the people who should be the closest to me. im all alone. i go to my room at night and cry myself to sleep, exausted from trying, putting on my happy face, but even my happy face isnt good enough any more. my face is always sad, but people dont care. i feel like im worth nothing to everyone, not even to myself. ive been trying to convince myself that writing my post the other day was a good idea, it wasnt. all the talk of suicide has made me think about it a whole lot more. its almost like im giving myself reasons to, you know, maybe make a plan. ive never made a plan for it before. im hoping this is a good thing because i can then give myself time to convince myself its a bad thing. i might not write a plan. its a horrible thing, and i know right now i dont want to do it, so im not going to. but i need help, i really do need help.
one other thing that just popped into my head was that the other day i was questioned about why i was horrible to people. i explained why, and i think i explained well. but can you imagine being told youre horrible. its wasnt nice. i am a horrible person, i cant help it, but people dont need it. i hate my life right now.
by the way, i am going to post this on my facebook page. i feel like as many people as possible need to read it. i feel like i want people to understand, but i dont want p-eople to worry. if you want to say something, please say something encouraging.