where i am at! why arent other people?!

well, hello there!

over the past couple of weeks i have written some quite frank and graphic posts about my illness. i would just like to rectify something. i do struggle with my illness……..pretty much all the time, however, it may seem more reccently ive been struggling more than before. this is not the case. ive decided to talk about my illness more, and more graphically. i think this is important so that people know what myself, and others with my sort of illness go through. its about time that the idea that talking about mental ill health is not taboo, its not something to avoid, infact its something to actively take part in talking about.

so, my illness is the main part of my life unfortunately. i have not made it this way, but it is. if you want to know me, you have to know my illness. so, what is my illness. if youve read my blog posts you might know, but i suffer from ‘non-organic psychosis’ sub-categorised into ‘schizoaffective disorder’ along with a lot of other things. i was actually rediagnosed just recently to my suprise. i think more than just myself getting to grips with this is important because then i can talk more easily with people about it. now, i know some people will talk to me about my illness, and i also know that some people will quite literally run away when it is bought up. or infact, they will even avoid talking about anything that might even lead to something that might lead to another thing to connect with my illness. this isnt good for me, because i know whats going on.

anyway, what im saying is, please talk to me about my illness, it helps me, it helps you, and it helps with things like stigma, education, importance and lots of other things.

onto another thing…………..ive worked out that if i pieced all my blogs together i actually have enough for a sizeable book. i would have to write other stuff obviously to link it all up, but does anyone think this is a good idea?

would anyone read it do you think??? its not exactly a christmas present, but i like to think my blog posts are………………………………..informative about my illness, trials and tribulations, experiences, and such forth. i dont know.

just an idea.

As for me right now………..i am currently o.k. nothing more nothing less. i saw my psychiatrists yesterday and it was o.k. it wasnt productive, neither was it counter productive. it was a mundane o.k. i am still trying to hep my family understand my illness a little more, my mum went to the doctors today to ask for support on how she can support me, she came back and to be honest it sounded like a shambles/pass off sort of appointment, which is quite aggrovationg because gp’s are supposedly supposed to know more about mental ill health. they ended up talking about how i can suppport myself, and how i can find myself more support, and when it came to my family supporting me, my mum was just told to go to MIND. surely there is something the nhs can do to help families understand members with mental ill health. well we’ll see what happens in 3 weeks with the new autumn statement, im really hoping something to do with mental ill health will be included in this. a bit of funding, and maybe a rethink as to how they go about spending NHS money.

i would also like to just inform people who read this what goes through my head constantly. i am paranoid, and anxious all the time. i also think about suicide quite a lot. i have though explained in the past that there are two types of suicidal thoughts. ‘i could just……..’ and ‘i am going to……….’. i think the first one pretty much 99 times out of 100, and this isnt anything to worry about. it scared me to begin with, but to be honest i can manage it now. its just something i think of as blahzeh (who ever knows if thats how you spell that).

right, i think this is enough for today. please please please answer my question about my blog being a book, it would mean a lot to me, but if you dont want to read some of my posts, and its only this one you are interested in, that’s ok.

im off now! BYE!

2 thoughts on “where i am at! why arent other people?!

  1. Hi Tom
    Your idea of a book is really good; not just for others who suffer this illness but don’t understand it but also for people who are close, wanting to help but not knowing how – as you described your mum’s predicament. Money is so tight in the NHS that I guess it’s difficult for practitioners to know where best to put the few funds they have at their disposal. As a teacher, always putting the children first, but not having enough time, I always felt pressured by complaining parents and as a reflex action from there on in, watched that child carefully so as not to heap a whole lot of problems on my back. Not an ideal situation but I think it reflects an approach in society today; those that complain loudest do get attention! Make sure your voice is heard by doctors, consultants and this could include publicly “speaking” as in writing letters and, as you suggest, writing books.
    I have been writing books for years but lack the confidence to submit them and then suffer rejection which would depress me, I guess you have to be prepared for rejection from professional editors – all the best writers say they took ages getting their books accepted! Of course writing ebooks is probably an easier entry or publishing yourself and going for a small “audience” from which you can expand.
    I think it’s s great idea – the process itself could be helpful as well as the end result of reaching a wider audience who would benefit.
    Good idea – go for it – with your eyes open.
    I’m no expert – if someone else says something different, you are free to choose what advice is helpful.


    1. Thank you Ros. After I wrote this I realised I wanted to do it. I am at the very beginning again. It’s going to be a big task I know, and rejection will happen. I think having a book of a big stage of my life will be an achievement for me. Thank you for your words.


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