christmas, cue’s, and company.

i thought i would write on here now because ive got a few things to say. a few things to get off my chest and a few things that are bothering me, and i cant believe what the first one is.

Christmas. usually i love love love christmas. this year, as hard as i try to be merry, its getting difficult. i watch the christmas films, i put up the decorations, i sing the songs, all trying my hardest to be merry, but inside its painful. inside i feel dead to the festivities. i want this to change. i think the biggest problem is being alone. i know, i hasve family around me, but i feel alone. i feel like im on my own. i dont have closeness with anyone, its not nice, and i feel like im drifting away from where, who and what i love. i know i love christmas, i really dont feel it this time though. not right now anyway.

also, im having constant reminders that im not a well person. i know im not a well person, and right now, even though it may not seem it, i am doing quite well. however, i did see frank the other day, i did start twitching and stuttering the other day, i did get a bit of paranoia today (not silly little paranoia, proper paranoia, conspiracy shit) and i did lose any sensation from my mind and body yesterday. its not constant, but its there, just fleeting, but enough to remind me that actually im not the prime of the human species like i would want to be. yes i know, no ones perfect, but my imperfections are just too much as far as im concerned.

back to feeling alone. i really do think i need a special someone in my life. i need someone to focus my affection on. thats all i want to do. i want my mind to be 100% on that special lady. i say special lady……….hahaha! im the special one! esspecially if someone actually want to be with me!!! i think i am a hopeless romantic to be honest, i just havent been able to do anything like that in a long time. we’ll see. only time will tell what the future holds for me.

what else, what else, what else…………nope, nothing else. feel free to comment on here and on facebook! i always like to talk to people!

buh bye!

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