well, i havent written on here in a while, and ive had no reason to write on here. i would think this was good because it means i havent had much to worry about writing about. well, today took a turn. ive been quite anxious for a while now, you know, not wanting to leave the house because of people, that sort of stuff. but yesterday was different for me. i knew something was coming, and then……..BAM!!! today has been terrible. all my energy is gone, i feel so low, i feel like ive got nothing left. to be honest its been an emotional drain of a day, emotionally drained except from depression. i have been low today. so low that ive given suicide a thought. not in a ‘im going to do this’ sort of way, but more of a ‘i could just do this and it wouldnt matter’ sort of way. i feel like im on a slippery slope at the moment, and ive just started to slide down it. just think, in a week i could have all sorts of psychotic problems! Hooray! cant wait. well i say that sarcastically, but in fact, when i get psychotic symptoms i actually enjoy it a bit. its like being high i guess. you know whats going on, but i have no control over it. And when i was tiny, i thought life would be easy…….how wrong i was.
something that isnt nhelping my mood is the fact that we’ve got a new member to the household. yes, one dog passes away, and now we have an absolute shit as another dog. its so difficult not being well, and having this pain in the arse (literally sometimes) annoying you all the time. honestly, me and a dog have fallen out. i never thought this would happen. i love dogs, but this isnt a dog, its a mutiple offender! it drags my mood down, and its no good to me. ive spent my life trying to get away from things that make me feel worse, and this is so frustrating because, no matter how much i complain about the dog, we still havent taken it back. yes you heard me, take him back. hes so bad i would consider taking the dog back. stupid bloody animal.
i wore a big mask today as well. im not great when it comes to meeting new people and today was no exception. what was annoying was the bloke was warned that i wasnt very well, and he comes in and tells me i dont look very happy! oh dear. just point it out why dont you! oh well. ice breaker i guess. had to put a mask on after that. i hate being my fake self, although i do like him more than the real me. i hate the real me, the real me is worthless! pointless! a waste of bloody space!
lets try and look at some positives…….i have no money! i have no real life, no social life. i dont like the godfather films (watching one now, and sorry, but its crap), and now im pretty sure im just a hinderence to my family. i know, i know, these arent positives, however, they are some things that give me reason not to be around anymore. i want to escape. i dont know where or how, i just need to get out of my rut. my rut is slowly turning into a chasm of mental anguish and it will swallow me up.
i need to sort my life out.
there is one positive…..im going to norfolk in a few days which will be good. i hopefully will be able to see some friends. hopefully ill feel a bit better about them than i do about everything else at the moment. one other thing that has been botheringh me the last few days is anger. im getting so angry at everything. i know this happens to me, but now i want to smash things. i feel like punching people, i dread to think how much worse that could get. maybe i need to talk to someone. ive got an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, maybe she will talk some sense into my senseless brain.
i better go now. im sure people will be getting unhapppy with me when reading this. sorry. i dont mean to make people unhappy, even if it is with me.