up and down, up and down. this is how ive been over the last few days. when i say ‘up’ im not talking about hyper or anything, just……not as bad. my down points have been terrible. i had a severe psychotic episode yesterday morning. it was horrible. i lost complete control of everything. yet, in the evening i went to a party! this is most peculiar, mainly because whenever i have a psychotic episode i REALLY dont want to do ANYTHING! well there you go. breakthrough? i dont think so, i think its a one off, but a good one off.
i also decided to do something i havent done for ages, i watched eastenders. now, the BBC is having a ‘in the mind’ season. this is all about mental health, and stacey branning in easters is suffering from mental health issues, to be specific, postpartum psychosis. i watched about 30 seconds of eastenders and burst into tears. it was too much, it was so real. and the 30 seconds it focused on was looking after children, or the inability should i say. i would love to have kids, infact i adore children, but i dont feel as though i can have them, not while my condition is the way it is, and of course i cant ever see that clearing up. so………..everything stacey branning was saying was so relatable, it was horrible to see someone else like that, even if it isnt real.
i dont really know what else to write. of course i want to write something inspired, creative, and thought provoking, but im not that sort of writer i dont think.
i know! let me try and explain my psychotic episode. so, i woke up early in the morning and immediately knew something wasnt right. i felt woozy, not complete, that feeling you get when you stand up too fast, but constantly. i went downstairs and did some thinking (bad idea), paranoia sets in, and i come to the conclusion that a couple of my friends work for the government and were spying on me. i go out for a cigarette, at which point a plane decides to fly over. thats it, cigarette out, get indoors, the russians are coming to bomb us! (bit of long lasting paranoia i have) These are my thoughts anyway. i see Frank (my hallucination), hes close, his breathe condensing on the cold air outside. at least there is a door between us, i turn around, and BAM! there he is again, and thats it. im stuck, i cant move my feet, my heart is racing, but everything feels like slow motion. i dont know what im going to do next becauser i know right at this point im not in control of myself, yet i know whats going on all the time. i know im having a crisis, i know i need help, quickly, but i cant do anything. 20 minutes pass with me stuck in one position, i know ive got to do something. i slowly reach for my phone, dial the number of someone in bed in the house ‘i need help’, ‘where are you’ she says back. ‘downstairs’, this is the whole conversation. i get company moments later, and i am talked out of my ridiculousness slowly.
i hope that opens maybe a few peoples eyes as to what my feelings are in a short space of time.
im off now.