So today i have the psychosis hangover i usually get. ive got a massive headache. right behind my left eye, where i always get it. ive got to stop bingeing on psychosis, it really isnt good for my brain!!! HA! if only i could control it. so yesterday i wrote about what it feels like when i havew a psychotic episode. a few people read it, which im pleased about. i posted it directly to my facebook page, and didnt really get a response, but then what do you say to a friend whos telling you his inner most horrors??? thats what i think anyway. well, there is a question. how should people react when i openly talk about my psychosis in such a graphic way? please feel free to give it some thought, and let me know. anyway, lets get back to how i usually set up my blog posts.
i was alone today. all alone in the house. by myself. i hate being on my own. i get lost, in more ways than one. for starters i never know what to do. i spend most of my day sitting on my arse doing nothing, or standing at the window watching the world go by, or waiting for someone to come home. i can be there there for hours waiting for someone, something. i also get lost in my thoughts. ‘what thoughts?’ my mum would ask if she were reading this. i’ll tell you what thoughts i had today. it all starts with our new dog. i HATE him. im sorry, i love dogs, but this one has got a vendetta against me. its out to ruin my life (and my family want to keep him, i dont want to). anyway, one of my thoughts is that which i have just mentioned. i also worry a lot that people will never come home. ill be left alone in this house all by myself forever. i worry that my family dont love me and that they want rid of me. this all makes me feel more alone than i already am. its not a nice feeling. i cant think of anymore thoughts that i had today, not just yet anyway.
just thinking about my headache, seeing as its constantly reminding me it’s there. it reminds me of a headache i once had before a psychotic episode. the day before i spazzed i got a blistering headache. it was so painful, just like this one, and i could tell something was going to go wrong. maybe im going to go wrong again. i dont know what it is. i hate the feeling that psychosis is lurking. however i did post yesterday that i would just get on with life until it all becomes apparent. well, i think its apparent now, because i think this headache has got something to do with my illness. we’ll see.
well i think i’m done writing for now.
please, if you can think of responses to people openly talking about mental health, just comment. i would also quite like the company this evening, i think its going to be a rough one.