so, i woke up knackered today. i am very sleepy all the time at the moment. this mental ill health malarky really does take it out of you! my mum thought it was because i doubled up on my medication. i havent even done that yet. i cant wait to see what im going to be like with even more medication inside me, after all that is one of my main side effects of sertraline. for instance i missed more than 12 hours last night because i was asleep. yes, i know, being asleep is one of my respite periods, so you would think i would be glad, but i cant let it take over my life. yawn yawn yawn. ive been writing about 3 minutes now, and yes, ive yawned 3 times. maybe i should talk to my doctor about it. i dunno, excessive sleep cant do me harm surely.
Another thing that is getting to me at the moment is work. i dont work, but i feel i should be. people talk about work all the time, they ask me what i do, if im at work, or even when i get paid! should i be working? should i put myself through what was hell in the past. i dont work for a reason. last time i worked i was taking more time off from work, than actually working. i was on the phone a lot when i was at work. can you imagine! losing control of myself while on the telephone to a customer! they would wonder what on earth is going on! yet again, so would i! or falling to sleep because im so tired (which happened a couple of times). i remember once when i was at work, i was going through some training, and i was having a hard time, so my trainer thought i was just playing up, told her boss, i got a bollocking, and that was that. i was too frightened to tell them, ‘ yeah actually i was having a psychotic episode’. work divided people on my illness, people i actually told had very mixed reviews, from the positive ‘im here for you’ to the ‘does that mean you’re crazy?!’ do you know what, i am a bit mad, but im not ashamed, im not dangerous, im not a stark raving loonie! i just see and hear some shit every now and again. anyway, im off topic now. work is difficult for me, but i feel obligated to work. what do you think?
maybe i should just pursue something i really love. singing maybe, or writing. i wrote my blog into a book by the way, im just to anxious of getting it published. only one person had read it, and that was my mum, so cant really go from her opinion.
anyways, im off now.
P.S. this is me singing. please dont be nasty. and yes, thats my real name.