im sitting here in the living room of my house doing nothing. why? because i dont have the energy to do anything at the moment. i cant go out because im extremely anxious at the moment, i dont have the enrgy to do anything at home, and my illness means there isnt actually anything i want to do, but am at the same time…….bored. i hate this feeling, it leads to worse things, worse things like an utterly depressive state, a mood where life takes its toll even though there is nothing in my life to take its toll. i actually think that is one of the things that takes its toll……….my life is empty at the moment. there is a void i need to fill somehow, and i just dont know how, not with my mood the way it is at the moment. ohhhhhh dear *sigh*.
one thing i have noticed im doing at night just before i go to bed is thinking of all the ways i could die in the night. i worry about the house being set on fire, the house just….falling down, and even worrying about my own family trying to kill me in my sleep, among other things. this cant be healthy. i know what im doing is wrong, but at the same time i feel as though i need to think this over. in the end i pretty much give in and just say to myself ‘well, if its going to happen, its going to happen. i wont be awake for it anyway!’ this is the progress ive got with it so far, just conceding to the fact it will happen and i cant do anything about it. ohhhhhh well *sigh*.
one other thing im worried about at the moment as well is that my illness is catching. all my family seem to have hit rock bottom with their emotions. they are not coping with it well either. i know ive had more practice so im more used to dealing with depression, but its horrible knowing that people around me are getting sucked into my emotion. i just want to shake some of them and tell them to get better, but of course, i know that doesnt work. i vdont know how to help them. all i can do myself is try and put on a happy face for them, pretend im ok, and hopefully they will follow suit.
well thats all im going to write for now. maybe someone will read this. i dont know. do i care? its just a diary for me pretty much.
P.S. the dog is still an arse, and i dont like him.