today has been a day of two halves. i woke up early (well, early for me) this morning. it was so hot i had to get up. i was in a fairly good mood, just the normal bits of anxiety and sadness, and i thought i would enjoy the sunshine. it was just a lazy day of doing nothing. it was such a lazy day i fell asleep at 1pm. woke up at three, and it was like a woke up aq different person, this irratable, annoyed, paranoid person. i got up and everything started annoying me, everyone started annoying me. i tried to warn my mum by apologising for not being too talkative. i dont like to accept these moods, its not who i am. im a nice person who gets on with everyone, doesnt judge anyone, and just tries to get along with life with no quarms. anyway, im going to norfolk tomorrow for the night, maybe my modd will improve for that. right now, im sitting here watching a film i dont want to watch, getting annoyed at everything.
right, let me talk about something else. i think im a bit lost now that ive got nothing to do. i built a barbeque at the weekend, and of course, before that i was on holiday. now im back home i havent got much to do, so i think im going to have to get active somehow, the problem though is the fact i hate going outside. i did very well on my holiday, and i did well going to this meet up on saturday. i need to srot my life out a little bit i think, but its difficult with having mental health problems.
now let me tell the new people my mental health problems. so i suffer from schizo-affective disorder. its a problem where my mood affects my psychotic symptoms. so i get very anxious and am nearly always depressed. i suffer from panic attacks. when this all comes together and i get really bad i get psychotic symptoms. i get very paranoid, i make up stupid little stories in my head, and believe them, i have larger ongoing stories that i also believe as well. i hear two words, horrible words that only come about when im thinking really bad things, and im talking reaaaally bad things. this often comes with my hallucination which is a ‘frank’. i have a tattoo of frank to remind me hes not real, but sometimes that doesnt work. i dont really know how to explain how i feel though. that was the magical thing about the other day, someone understood. it made me feel…………well, it felt like i wasnt alone. sometimes i have to remember im not alone, but sometimes i feel like the loneliest person in the world. ohhhhhh, i dont know, i think im going to go, im annoyed with myself for some reason.