got out of the house a couple of times today. i went to ‘the shop’ to spend some money and ‘relax’. achievement? i think not. i was dreadful. ive still got an anxious pain in my chest from how uncomfortable it was up there. luckily ive got a pal there who suffers with me. we can talk to each other about it, and he understands. to be honest, everyone up there who knows me properly understands to some extent, afterall ive had a couple of panic attacks while ive been up there in the past, and they’ve seen it first hand! not great, crying infront of aload of blokes, but i cant help it. but the bloke im on about specifically is a top man, and completely geniune (ill forget all that by tomorrow!) anyway, i did some gaming, and didnt do too badly, fifth out of thirteen isnt too bad. alas, i am yet to come first up there, and i think that would be very difficult. im very british you see, i crumble at the last hurdle, and my anxiety gets the best of me. oh well, theres always another day.
so, i was worried for my life today a couple of times. i dont like strangers at the best of times, and when one looks like its coming to my door, and im all alone, i wonder just whats going to happen. i checked to find the closest knife, just in case things got tasty. luckily he didnt come to the door, he went next door, but could i relax?! nope! it played on my mind. a while afterwards i thought about how silly i was, checking to see the closest knife, i mean, what the hell did i think i was going to do???? to be honest, if anything bad did happen, i reckon i’d just curl up into a ball and wish it all away. now things got worse because not only was i thinking about how silly i was, i was also thinking how pathetic i was. its not good when i think like this because then i start thinking about hurting myself. i mean, i used to do it, but now when i think about hurting myself, i just think about going all the way. what is the point of me living, i serve no purpose to anything or anyone! oh i dont know. i eventually got rid of those thoughts. how? i have no idea. oh right, i remember, my mum came home and i wanted to go to ‘the shop’. so there was some good in going out today, it stopped me thinking about killing myself.
one thing i also hate is making up stories in my head. i usually make up storied about people who have somehow inadvertantly hurt me in life. shortly before i mo0ved back with my mum i was a passenger in a car crash, and someone got ran over. who was to blame……….i know fully well who was to blame. but mentally, this car crash has scarred my mind, and i come back to it nearly every day. the worst thing is, the person who is to blame, i blame for my mind being the way it is, so i make up storied about how i can hurt this person. ill let you know right now im never going to act on these thoughts, i never have done, or will do, they are merely pictures i paint in my head. i sjut wish that some people felt the same way i do once something like this happens to them, so they can feel the anguish i go through, its not nice, yet i do wish it on some people sometimes. hmmm, now i feel bad for saying that, but its true, what can i say. i will just say this isnt the only person i make storied up about, there are many others. the problem is, in my mind, i can only remember the bad in things, people, etc… so i never get a break from hurt, i cant look back at the good times because i just cant see them. its just something i think im going to have to live with unfortunately. i guess some peoples minds work completely differently to others. oh well, if only mine worked differently.
what on earth else has happened today??? oh yeah, i worried all my family were dead again. please please please family, answer your phone to me. i am a very paranoid person and i need a constant reminder that you are all alive! its amazing how alone i can feel when i am on my own. i mean, i feel alone when im around people anyway, but when no one i there, and you are left to your own devices, its because even more lonely. no one to talk to, no one to listen, silence. whats the saying? ‘silence is golden’ or something like that. well its shit for me. i dont like silence. i dont want to switch on tv because too much bad is happening in the world, plus id worry that everything bad in the world is going to happen to me. i dont want to go to sleep incase i dont wake up, or what if someone comes in and kills me, or even worse, doesnt kill me, i dunno, maybe to robs me, then ill be there to be blamed. grr. as you can tell, my mind is shot right now. its not good at all. i think im not going to sleep tonight. it feels like someone it sitting on my chest, i can hardly breathe. i think ill need a cigarette. yes, i know, its bad, but it regulates my breathing sort of.
anyway, ive rambled on for 971 words. oooo, 973, i could go on forever, but im not going to.
maybe someone will read this, i dont know. ill say goodnight now, talk to you tomorrow.