so, self harm is a bitch. i need more motivation, i need less motivation, im bad, im good, im angry, sad, happy when i shouldnt be, emotionless, and many more reasons i self harm. its not a good thing, i know that, but it feels good. sounds weird i suppose. hurting yourself to feel better. well actually, when you think you deserve it, it makes a lot of sense to you, to me. yesterday was the last time. i want to do it right now, but ive come on here to talk about it, hoping it will stop me from doing anything else. i mean, my life isnt in danger, but a little burn here and there doesnt harm anyone really. i had to tell my support worker about it the other day (yes, thats right, i have a support worker now) and he seemed concerned. he asked me if i had been to the doctor about it. my response was ‘would they actually do anything?’ his answer……’probably not’. what was the point of asking the question, i dont know.
anyway……onto my support worker shenanagans (have no idea how to spell that, i will be the first to admit). yes, i saw my support worker for the first time last friday, and it was a bit odd to say the least. there was an obvious tension between us. we never made eye contact, he couldnt help but just stare at my hand (where the brunt of my self harm is) and he and i was obviously very nervous. my support worker is new to what hes doing, so i can understand that. he is my guinea pig i guess! and i am his! i tell you what though, it was nice to have someone to ramble on to like there was no tomorrow, because he listened, and wrote things down. talked about things that no one had actually thought about asking me before. my mum was in the room while i was talking to him and i think she found it quite hard listening to the things that i was talking about. probably not going to let her sit in anymore, i dont want her to be sad. i wonder what the next installment of tom and the support worker brings!
tell you what……my sleep just recently has been all over the place. getting a nice but long 12 hours sleep for the last couple of nights, and guess what…………im now wide awake, with no clue what sleep even is! i have a feeling its going tov be another boring night of being awake with nothing to do. it really does get to the point where twiddling thumbs becomes quite exciting at about 4am. so ill look forward to that in three and a half hours.
what else can i talk about? *scratches head* hmmmm. i think i want a bit more company in my life. i know i say it all the time, and i dont actually pursue it, but it would be really nice. i suppose i just need someone to come along! seems highly unlikely as the only place i go is male orientated. so its either that, or someone has to come to my house………..so, im waiting for someone to magically appear i guess! oh well. life goes on. i just think itll do me some good.
well im going to go now. you never knowe, i might even come back on here later if i have nothing else to do.