so i saw a meme on facebook today which told me to live with what ive got and cherish it, because somewhere else someone is taking their last breathe. this is ridiculous, absolutely. that person who is taking their last breathe may have had a wonderful life……….mine is actually shit. i would trade memories of a good life and only have a second to live, than the life i lead now, and have what seems like an eternity to live. dont these people think logically??? or maybe im not thinking logically??? seems to make sense in my head though.
touching on a subject there or memories. did i tell you, i dont remember things? well, i dont remember good things. i have not got a single good memory in my head, all of my memories are of bad things, or of times i have panicked. ive pretty much been told i would have to get over this, as this is how my brain works. apparently its all i want to remember. this is highly unfair. so why should i look at my future and be told to look forward to it, when i look to my past and only seems turmoil? doesnt exactly pain a good good picture for the future does it?!
right, i am extremely lonely at the moment, whether im talking to people, whether im around people, i feel lonely. what also doesnt help is that this week ive pretty much been on my own all day everyday. this is hard, because now i feel unwanted, i feel like no one cares about me, and its going to come to a point where im going to have to make a big deal about it. i hate doing it (oh, and when i say ‘a big deal’ i mean im just going to mention it, and itll get blown out of proportion) but if needs must i will do it. i know fully well whatr loneliness leads to, and octobers coming up, so i hope people have got their seatbelts on, because loneliness and the month of october wont mix well. by the by, i tried killing myself twice, both times in october (different years) so octobersx pretty tricky for me.
i think im going to leave this here now.