Big brother.

right, im having paranoid thoughts about people spying on me at the moment. BIG BROTHER! there are people i know who i feel are spying on everything i am doing, whether its on the internet, whther its in real life, and im worried about it. i mean, i dont do anything wrong, but im sure someone will find something wrong with what i do. im also worried about my next door neighbnours (again). im worried they are plotting against me. im not sure what theyre plotting, but i dont like it. these arent good thoughts. the thought that people are plotting against me, and who are spying on my every move is un-nerving. i vdont feel like i can do anything right now. i just have to talk to those who i dont think are involved, not that i would tell them anything like this face to face or over the phone. they would think im mental. and ive tried it in the past and people will think that telling me its not going to happen, or isnt happening, is going to help me. when i get something stuck in my head like this, it doesnt go away just like that. anyway, next stop i feel will be poisoning of my food. i do worry about that quite a lot, but i just eat it and think ‘well if i die, i die’.

well, i saw frank laste night as well. i had a little chuckle to myself, and said out loud the word ‘typical’. i knew it would happen, it was just a mattetr of time. i mean, i havent seen him yet today, and i hope it was just a brief encounter. someone said to me online that i should take a picture of him, show it to someone else, and then i could determine if its real or not. well……….unfortunately that isnt how it works. i know other people cant see him, hes just real to me. the bloody thing is out to get me, not anyone else, so why would anyone else see him. ohhhhhh, i dunno, i  suppose they were trying to help, but you cant really help someone in that sort of way when i feel the way i do. i just need support, not advise. advise makes me hate people to be honest. i know i shouldnt, but if its bad advise, i know that person hasnt experienced what i experience and then i am jealous and envious of them. its not fair that i have to put up with what i put up with, ive done nothing wrong, not as far as i can remember anyway! sometimes i wish i could trade my illness in for one thats a lot more physically painful, but treatable, at least i wouldnt have to put up with the torment of my own mind, and atleast i would be able to live without people giving me sdhitty advise as well. cant really give someone advise when they’ve got cancer! not saying cancer is not as bad as my illness, afterall its a mass killer. well that little comparison will get me into trouble i imagine.

what else, what else, what else……….i dont know what else right now. i was half way through the last paragraph and thought of something, but its gone now.

right im going to go now. im going to go and be useless, because i havent got the energy to do anything right now. i couldnt even get out of bed this morning, it took me four hours of trying. hmmmmm.


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