what are my worries at the moment?
my biggest worry (and sorry if you read this) is that my heavily pregnant sister is going to have a still born child. i dont know why, im just worried its going to happen. i can see more heartache from this pregnancy than there has been. i did however worry about this when my other sister was pregnant both times. its just something i worry about.
spying is a big thing in my life at the moment. i have already written about this in previous blog posts, but i will write it again. there are a few people i do worry who are spying on me at the moment. so, first of all, i have a thing about the russians, and that is all im going to say about that. secondly is neighbours. i dont know why they are spying on me, but im pretty sure they are, and ive got a few ideas why. thirdly is that i feel like im living in a big brother house. its not good when all i spend doing while no one is about, is looking for cameras. im really worried people are spying on me in my own house. its rubbish, so im always on my best behaviour.
what else? ah, when everyone in the household is out i always worry that theyve been in a tragic accident. car crash, stabbed, or soemthing else as terrible. im not sure what part of my illness this has got to do with, anxiety, paranoia, or something else.
my biggest fear at the moment is that im going to lose to my illness. just recently ive had a couple of suicidal thoughts. they have actually got me more active because i dont want to be thinking those thoughts, and ive decided doing activities that involve being a little selfish (and when i say a little selfish, i mean just doing things for my own pleasure) and constantly keeping my mind active. ive got very tired because of this, and i dont think ill have the energy to carry it on, and this is where the losing part comes in. i can slowly feel myself slipping away, and all i can think to do is sleep to try and get some energy back, but its not that sort of energy im losing. ohhhhhh well. october is coming soon, so its right on schedule really.
since the last time i wrote what my illness was, new people have joined in reading this, so if you know, you might not want to read the rest because you will already know about my illness, and at the end ill post about my book that i wrote if you want a much more in depth read into my mind. so here goes.
i am diagnosed with a few different things. they all intertwine in some way or another. ill start off with a list. i suffer from depression, anxiety, rage (doesnt happy very often), paranoia, and im just going to label the next few as psychosis.
how does thisd affect me………….so i think depression anxiety and rage explain themselves…….feeling empty, alone, worthless, really anxious around people, new places, (when the door knocks like it just did), heart goes a million miles an hour. rage…….all of a sudden i getr angry over the smallest things. and when i say angry, i mean really really angry. smash stuff up. just like a massive tantrum. blah blah blah, theres lots more, but im going to get onto psychosis. With my psychosis, i get delusional thoughts about pretty much everything. i can make stories up in my head, and make up situations and it becomes real (in my head that is), but i do believe that these things are real. i try not to let people tag on to this because its embarrassing. it is the main thing that keeps me in the house becasue someone could say something like…..’do you want to go to the shops?’ and i think………..shops, ill get there and itll be burnt down, ill get blamed, ill go to prison. that was my first thought as i wrote that, and thewse sorts of stories play out in my head as real. anyway, thats one thing. i also see things. i see frank, hes not nice, he just appears and usually just has one message for me………’do it’ repetitively. this is often when im thinking of the worst things possible, he will appear and tell me to do my thoughts. this i do not like. luckily for me i run away from frank, i dont do the bad things hes tells me to do. the only time i do bad things is when i think i should do them, and dont worry because i only do bad things to myself. what else. my paranoia is something else! for starters i believe people can read my mind (not always, so luckily i can determine this as paranoia right at the moment) and this scares me. i believe i know peoples thoughts. what else…………i believe people are out to get me. people do plot against me. i have thought this in the past and i have been right, and its so hard to get those sorts of thoughts out of my head. ohhhhhhh, i am broken. there are so many other things that are wrong with me. its like when i see a new doctor or specialist, they ask me lots of things and i cant think of all the things that are wrong with me.
heres my book.
please take a look!