sorry i havent written on here for a while. ive been busy with my mind. ive been gradually getting sicker and sicker. ive managed to stave off as much of it as possible recently, but its really getting to me now. i started self harming again a couple of weeks ago (ish) and i really want to keep doing it. its really hard to fight off. ive stopped at the moment sort of, but i just pull the scabs off of my cuts, so that it hurts again. its probably not good to have an open wound for so long, but is it worse than mutilating my body even more? i dont know, ill think about this a little more now ive written about it.
my paranoid thoughts have got worse as well. i think i know why this is though. the other day a letter got posted through my door to do with a meeting i had with a psychologist, and it had all the minutes of the interview in it. unfortunately the dog got hold of the letter and ripped it open, which led my sister to it, and she read it. now, there were some very private things talked about in that meeting, and they are all in the letter. goodness knows what she thought of it, and whether she told anymore of my family, i dont know, but im afraid to ask her if she did tell anyone else what the letter said. i mean, i have some serious trust issues with people close to me that i dont certain people to know. this had all led to me believing things that maybe i shouoldnt believe. im hanging onto the fact that i know that maybe i shouldnt believe these certain things.
anyway maybe i ought to get onto something else. ive been trying to keep myself ‘busy’ doing stuff. well……ive been doing things i feel i have to do to basically live a life. ive gone out a couple of times in the last week, but familiar walls seem far too safe, so ive been confining myself to different sets of walls that i feel safe in. so…..home, my mates, and my aunty and uncles. i have a feeling this is going to continue, and do you know what the worst thing is?! its the fact that its so mind numbingly boring that its probably making me worse. how on earth am i supposed to deal with that? im supposed to make myself have panic attacks?! im supposed to make myself feel incredibly bad just to get better???? ohhhhh, i dont know. i would rather be bored, and not have a panic attack, and not make myself worse on my own, and stay between these four walls, these four safe walls.
so, these couple of times i went out in the last week……….one time i had a little cry on my own while i was out, one time i had a panic attack, and both of these times got to me. oh!!!!! i just thought of something to write. basically ive been getting very aggravated recently. people are aggravating me, and most people i jsut want to punch in the face. i hate so many people at the moment. say one wrong word to me and it will play on my mind for a long time. im talking a week or so, maybe even longer. i mean………..people who just talk and talk and talk about themselves get on my nerves like nothing else. turns out, a lot of people do this. so many people are so worried about themselves. i mean, im not the perfect human being, far from it in fact, but i try not to talk about myself all the time. i have outlets. this is an outlet, and my granny is an outlet. i dont think she minds me talking about myself to her, but i find that no one else listens, so whats the point of talking to anyone else?! blah blah blah…..does my freaking head in!
anyway…………what was i talking about? oh yeah (looked up), i was talking about going out. i cant do it. i cant blame myself for another thing, and i really dont want to blame myself for feeling ill (however it will probably end up that way).
right, so to sum up……im fed up with people………im fed up with being home alone, im fed up with going out…….and my emotions are all over the place. im harming myself, and having some really bad thoughts about myself and my life.
Things are going well obviously!