So, I got very little sleep last night. And I have a feeling I’m going to go the same way again tonight. Today was tiring still though. I got really scared, and I’m not going to talk about why per say, I’m just going to say that I had never properly experienced what I experienced today. Whenever I was asked the question about this particular experience is the past I’ve always said I’ve never felt those things, they’ve never crossed my mind, and today they did. I cried…… A lot. I was frightened for myself and others. Yes, to those who would ask, I sought help from loved ones (well, the ones who answered their phones) to make sure I was safe. I mean, something must have bought this on, and yes, some people will have their own ideas as to what bought it on, and I have my own ideas, and I’m pretty sure my ideas are the right ones. Anyway…. I Calmed down and cooked dinner, had a beer, and chilled out. What I will say is that I’m frightened it’s going to all come back tomorrow, and I would t be prepared for it if it’s worse. Just got to stay safe, and use my comforts of people and food to get me through it I suppose!
I think I want to write a poem about how I’m feeling, but it’s all a bit girly I suppose. I dunno, I just want to express myself somehow. I don’t think being on my own for long periods of time is good for me. I think I’ve got to get out of the house, to a safe place obviously. Oh my word…….. What I will say is that some people think it’s so easy for me to do stuff. Do this, do that. I’m not a fucking dancing monkey, I’ll do what I think is best for me. I hate advice, especially when I feel the way I do now. Honestly, 90% of the time I’m glad I don’t have a temper and can usually go with the flow, but my temper is here now.
Why don’t I give an opinion I ask myself sometimes. I keep my opinions to. Yself a lot of the time……. Well, actually, all the time. But alas, I let it all boil up inside of me like everything else. Blame myself for everything and no one else can do any wrong. I mean, the very few times I try to talk about something that’s bothering me it manages to get thrown back in my face, might as well zip up my mouth. Or maybe I should put my act back on that I had for so many years. The cheeky, little bit annoying person, who used to always talk. It’s been so long g since I’ve put a complete clock over my illness that I don’t think I could do it anymore. I am who I am I guess.
Well…. I’m going to go now. Might write on here again in a little while. I feel like picking up a pen. But first I must smoke.