i said i might be back.

so, ive writtten something, but before i write it on here i want to just say something first.

i find ignorance the biggest stigma attached to mental health and it just makes me feel 110% worse when i come across it, and believe it or not, that is every single day of my life.

this is how a conversation would go if someone was talking to me trying to help, and what would happen if i gave my first response. this is based on someone close to me, no one specific, just any person i know and love pretty much. here goes.

Ignorance and me, right now…………..

*what a nice day!
-to die
*to die?!
-yeah, you know, not live
*cheer up
-fuck off
*things WILL get better
-when you stop talking yeah
*you need to do something
-so do you!
*i dont understand you
-i dont understand you!!
*think of it as glass half full
-why not think of it as half empty?
*why would i do that?
-step into my shoes
*ok, i understand
-you dont, do you?
*yeah, youre upset
-like i said, you dont understand
*ok, fair enough, how can i help?
-go away?
*no, i want to help
-pretty sure going away would help
*how would that help?
– i want to be alone
*ok, ill go
-dont go!
*look, you’re not making sense
-i know, but i really want help
-i dont know
*well thats not helping!
-why would you say that?
*ok, sorry, maybe a walk?
*have you taken your meds?
*have you?
-im not a child
*right, ok, wasnt implying you were
– i know
*how are you feeling?
*yeah, you said you’re fine
– of course im not!
*are you seeing stuff?
-yes, its not nice
*have you tried……
*but i didnt…….
-ive tried it
*well, i dont know what to say
-fair enough……coffee?

how the conversation actually goes is……

*What a nice day!
-yeah! Coffee???

so, there here is a bit of philosophy for you (atleast i think its philosophy)

if a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound????
so, if i hurt myself, but no one can see it, does it mean i didnt hurt myself?
i can hide scars as easily as i hide my thoughts. i have to keep my illness all to myself otherwise people would react, and then i would actually get worse. ironic really…………..oh well.

so its currently……1am (ish) and i need someone to talk to, but there is no one, i need a hug, there is no one, i need a cry, but im all out of tears. i hate not being able to sleep.

P.S. that conversation would change every single time, the ignorance would remain the same, but my mood changes every second, so my answers would always be different, but i can guarantee you one thing,……………the answers would always be as negative as they are above. sorry that im a horrible person inside. i have to put on a face, and ive just realised, i always put on a face, a character, unlike what i said in my previous blog post. i just put on a different one to what i used to put on. ugh.

confused? so am i!!!




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