I haven’t written on here for quite a while now, what is weird, is that four years ago today i wrote my first blog post on here. i didn’t know this until i just logged on and it told me. interesting. there is a good reason i am writing on here right now, my life has taken some really unusual turns in the last 90 days and i think its probably a good idea that i write about it, so here goes.
october ran like clockwork for me, it played out how it usually does…….terribly. it was obvious i was struggling at the beginning of october, i let people know early that things werent right, i let people know it was going to be bad (i just knew) and that i needed as much support as possible. the support did not happen, i got VERY little support, in fact i only got support from one person, the person that always gives me support. other than this support i actually got the complete opposite. two or three people decided it was their opportunity to give me a reality check on how life works, and how i should expect less. this was very interesting because i dont expect much at all from anyone at any point other than when i feel very unwell, and then i expect people to naturally care…….turns out people dont care, and they tell me that this is normal. this was not making me feel any better. this was incredibly frustrating because all i wanted was some love, i felt incredibly unloved in october, i felt alone, i felt unwanted, i felt like a hinderence, and many other negative things. i made a massive mistake (perhaps, maybe i escaped) in october. i was talking to a very close friend about the previous frustrations, and this person joined in the criticism. i decided to test this person by saying in a text ‘ i dont understand why people arent looking after me, i thought these people loved me’. the response i got was more criticism of the same people. what they didnt know was that this person was in fact one of the people who were doing nothing, and i pointed this out. they did not like this at all, firstly i was criticised for not understanding that she was unwell sometimes (nevermind the fact that in october i had been over to see her a couple of times, and she wanted a night out because she didnt feel great, so i made this happen, even though during this time i was millimeters from suicide), so this frustrated me more. this ended up with this friend threatening me, calling me all sorts of horrible things and telling me that i should just die. this person wrote horrible things online about me, and tore me apart from most of my other friends, including another of my closest friends. this hurt, it hurt a lot.
fast forward a few days, i was a complete mess, i had lost almost all hope and it was all hinging on a couple of family members who at this point i hadnt really talked to about anything going on. i went over to theirs to try and relax. the evening turned into a nightmare. one of my family members had too much to drink and had a loose mouth. now ive seen this loose mouth in action before, but its never been directed at me. this time it went straight for me. i was mocked, i was laughed at, they took the piss out of me, and wouldnt let me try to calm the situation, so i went right the other way. i threatened this person, and they didnt like it. they mocked me some more for saying what i said as they were walking away. i went after them and i pushed them. i didnt push them hard, but hard enough to let them know i was really not happy. ive had nearly three months to think about this situation, and i honestly think i wasnt wrong to react the way i did. this person knew the state i was in, knew all the problems i was having, and knew i was very closing to breaking point, but instead of care they decided to push my buttons. as far as im concerned if that person was like that to a stranger they would be lucky with the reaction they got. i havent had an apology, i dont think i will get one, and this water will never go under the bridge for me. i have lost a family member as far as im concerned.
so far ive lost most of my friends and a family member, ive got to the point where i drove to a palce to take my life, and the day after the last incident i was scared. i ended up calling 111 (it was sunday) and paramedics ended up coming out to me. the paramedics were helpful. they called people to help me, and these people wanted me to organise things, call people, get to places, and generally sort out my own problems. the paramedics knew this shouldnt be the case and they sorted it all for me. all i had to do was get to a walk in centre to get some meds to calm me down. i got a doctors appointment sorted for the next day, and that day was done.
unbeknownst to me my doctors appointment would be the first of 17 doctors appointments within 65 days, not including hospital appointments, phone calls with doctors, copious amounts of meds and trips to the chemist. just worked it out, and this is a trip to the doctors every 3.9 days, or a visit every 2.7 working days. all these appointments are not specific to my mental health. i had a problem with my liver for a month and a half, and as this started going away i managed to get a rash. this rash became a big problem. it covered my entire body, it was incredibly uncomfortable, i looked hideous, i wasnt sleeping for days at a time, and of course, this really affected my mental health. the worst thing about having my rash wasnt the rash itself, it was the attention people gave me, the amount of care i received, and the amount people worried about me. these were all substantially more than when i had my significant mental health problems in october. it didnt make me angry, but it did make me upset. i couldnt believe that something that was trivial in comparison to my mental health managed to bring out the compassion i had been dying for. it made me realise once and for all that my mental health will never get the attention it needed from the people around me.
ive also just realised im writing an awful lot and ive got a lot more to write (sorry), so i will seperate this into two posts from here……………………