90 days in 54 minutes (2)

…………………………..so, where am i? well, i still have rash problems now (just incredibly dry skin, and a bit of irritation) but it also skips past a lot of other problems if i stopped with this. in november i decided to keep my mental health problems to myself (which obviously meant everyone thought i was fine) and i decided to try and take my focus away from the disappointment i had for the people around me. i decided to lose weight. i would then go to the beach two or three times a week for a long walk, it was working, and when i say it was working, i was losing weight. i was a complete state inside, but i was losing weight. i have now gained most of the lost weight back. during november i was getting very anxious about christmas. i am a very christmasy person. its the time of the year where i manage to get over the troubles of my annual october problems, and i actually enjoy myself. i had no plans for christmas, this anxiety grew into december, i still had no plans. i didnt have plans for christmas until 2 weeks before the day. now, i usually have this sorted in september, and by now, because of what was going on in my life i knew i wasnt going to enjoy christmas. i know, it doesnt help that i was thinking this at the this time, but i do either know, or dont know. i did not enjoy christmas. it was horrible. the day was so horrible for me that i didnt want anyone to know, and for the first time in years i put on an act, a character, made people think i was having a wonderful time. i got home that night and slept for a long time, i was so tired from playing this person, and the next day i woke up and had to spend time with two people who really are not my favourite people in the world. boxing day = ruined. new year was mundane, and believe it or not it made me realise 2017 was a good year for me (earlier in the year i actually felt alright for a period of time) and that if 2018 is the same i should be grateful.

i should have mentioned that 8 days after the paramedics were sitting in my living room helping me because i was worried for myself and others, i had a PIP (benefits) assessment. of course, as you could imagine, im not going to be in a good place. i went in, panicked while i was waiting to go in, went through the assessment crying through ten minutes of it. got out, got to my car, and sat there crying for 10 solid minutes before i even put the key in. it was horrible, i was a mess, and i never wanted to do it again. in december i didnt recieve my PIP payment. i hadnt been told, but it had been disallowed with a score of zero. essentially i was fine according to the assessor, i didnt need any help, and i able to live independently without any help. i didnt find this out until early january when i called them. they had forgotten to send me a letter to tell me. now, christmas is a difficult time of the year for anyone when it comes to money, and when you find out 3 days before christmas that the presents you had bought with your card a couple of days before were going to put in you in debt it doesnt make you feel great. i managed to get over £680 into debt, knowing that it was going to be incredibly difficult to get out of it. ESA has helped, and i had to sell some of my possessions and im nearly out of my debt, but its a horrible feeling. i have asked them to reconsider, but apparently they dont change their mind, which means i will take it to a tribunal, where i imagine it will be overturned (if it isnt, i dont know what state a person has to be in to receive PIP) and i will be able to cope a little better. i have a problem with my car and i have my car tax at the end of this month, im having to sell the moths in my wallet to pay for this stuff.

ahh yes, the possessions i have just sold to help me make ends meet, my plan was not to sell the stuff i did, my plan was to sell other stuff. however, last weekend i went away for one night so i could see some friends. my last close friend ended up stealing from me, and is continuing to lie about it. i know its him, other people know its him, hes knows its him, but he wont admit it. so now i have lost my last close friend. my one night turned into three nights just to make sure what i thought had happened, actually happened. i even quoted mark twain to him ‘if you dont lie, you dont have to remember anything’. he forgot what lies he had told me before, and ended up landing himself in it. oh well. so now i dont have any close friends. i have 2 friends (not including Curborough). they are nice, and i got to see them both at the weekend, thank you for being lovely J and A.

lets get to this weekend. after the trouble of the end of last year i needed a break. i had a long weekend away booked in the middle of nowhere. the weekend was from the 19th to the 22nd of january. ill let you know right now, i wouldnt be writing this blog post if i was away this weekend. the company i had booked with decided to cancel my holiday the day before i was supposed to go. it wasnt their fault, the weather here in the U.K has been horrific, and it completely ruined where i was going and it wasnt safe. i needed this time away badly. after i found out i tried my hardest all day to try and find somewhere else to go, it reached the evening and i gave up, not only on the weekend away, but on everything. it was the straw that broke the camels back. i had been through a horrific 90 days or so and i NEEDED some time away, and it was taken from me. now i feel rubbish. soon i will start dropping problems, problems that i really have to sort, i need money otherwise i will get in more trouble, but money problems will be the first things dropped because they are actually easy to drop at this time. my birthday is in 2 days time. it will be a normal day in my life. it will be awful, i wont have a nice time, but it wont be anything special anyway. it doesnt matter though. my life isnt a pickle at the moment, its a jar of pickles, and i need helping sorting all of my shit out. i know i wont get the help, and i now know i shouldnt expect it either. my battles are my own, other people want nothing to do with them, and thats o.k. people just need to understand that if my battles become too big for me to just cope with life anymore, its not my battles faults, its not my fault, its your fault. im not a well person, i need a bit more help than most people, and to receive no help from anyone puts all of those people in the spotlight. i will keep fighting, i will keep breathing, and i will sort my life out some day.

by the way, if you actually read both of these posts you read over 2500 words, and these words were written in less than an hour. its easy to write when youve got a lot on your mind. if you havent tried it, please do.

goodnight!

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