im here again, im at the point where me being a burden have come right back to the forefront of my mind. whenever this happens things get bad for me……….really bad. now, i call a couple of people in my family a lot, both of them, usually every day. these phone calls are now at max…..five minutes long. i want to talk, i have things to talk about, but i dont want to talk unless people invite me to talk about things, and people dont want me to talk, people dont want to listen to me, people arent interested in anything i do. im not going to talk about myself to people if they dont want to hear. whenever i do talk to people they seem very disinterested as well, they want to get off the phone, they dont want to see me, and they even get angry and obviously fed up. when i say things at home i generally say the wrong things, and because i say the wrong things i got a bad reaction. now, i dont really have any friends anymore, and i certainly dont have any close friends, i am afforded no time to relax, talk casually, and laugh with people. i am trying to progress my life at the moment but i am getting the opposite of encouragement, i just get people either just not talking to me about it, or even worse, giving me the opposite of encouragement by telling me i cant do what im trying to do. i have to try things, i have to progress my life no matter what the circumstances are. ive gone backwards for months now, and more recently my regression in life has been accelerating.
the biggest part of my struggles is when people really arent on board with my life. when people dont want to know or arent interested in what im going through, or even any aspect of my life i struggle a lot more. with what happened in october i now know i have no support from my family. i have to do a lot of what im doing on my own. my family dont know how to care, and when i say that i mean they think primary help for someone with mental health problems is pills and pschiatrists. these things are last resorts. when i want help from my family i dont want them to ask me what im thinking, i dont want them to become psychiatrists, i dont want them to analyse me, i want them to look after me, you know how you do when someones ill. you dont ask someone whos ill to do the housework, you dont ask them to go to the shops, you dont ask them to do anything, you look after them, you show you care, you cook them food if theyre hungry, you get them things they want, you do a homely nursing back to health. this is honestly all i need. i need care, love, and yes, attention. somehow this really confuses my family. i can only think that its because i dont have a fever, or caugh, sore throat, im not running a sweat, or shivering. people cant see im ill, and to be honest, when you tell someone to do the things you need they get insulted. people hate it when theyre asked to do things for you, its their decision, not mine. they get angry, defensive, and start telling me they do help. im not trying to be critical, im just asking for someone to help me somehow.
i have learnt that mental health problems really are invisible to those who dont have it. you can tell them it exists within you, but other than that, people wont help you, people wont care, they wont love, they know it exists, and thats all they want to know. the classic line is ‘no one knows how to help you’. this line is the worst line, not because its true, but because it isnt. people know exactly what to do when someone you care about is ill, because thats all i am, im ill. it doesnt matter what it is, when someones ill, they need looking after, and 99.9% of the time its exactly the same way, and in my case it is as well.
i dont want meds, i dont want psychiatrists, but unfortunately i now have them both, and it was completely avoidable. i cant guarantee it but i reckon my thoughts would have stopped in october if i was just ‘looked after’ by my family, by my friends of the time. ive been through my version of hell since the beginning of october, and i actually have something to blame. i blame those around me.
P.S. when i talk to someone about people not doing the right thing, you are generally included, dont just start insulting everyone else and not count yourself, in fact im probably telling you it because you are the main problem. i dont expect anyone to look after me anymore, i dont expect them to make an effort when it comes to me being ill, but i can moan about the fact that people dont look after me and i can moan about people not making an effort, i think thats allowed, but hey, maybe thats why no one wants to talk to me (this really is less than 10% of what i talk about when i talk to people).
since yesterday morning i have seen one human, i saw that human for 45 minutes in the whole time before writing this (its now 15:40), i spent around about 20 minutes having ‘conversations’ in the last two days, and for someone who feels lonely, like a burden, unwanted, uncared for, this is horrible. i spent 14 hours completely on my own yesterday, i had a 5 minute talk on the phone (after phoning someone) and this was the only time i talked in 14 hours.
im rubbish and sorry