So this blog post ive written by hand. This is the first time ive ever done this which is exciting, but im not great at transcribing from paper to computer so its probably going to take me a while ERGH!!!! Here we go…..
Things make me think of stuff. So today I went for a walk in Helmsley which was pretty nice. Did a lot of thinking, and with pretty much every step I took I thought of something different, so not to forget about anything I decided to take pictures to jog my memory for when I got back and started writing this. I really hope this works! After I finish writing what I can remember in order I will wrack my brains and write whatever’s left at the end. First of all though, I will write about last night while I was laying in bed (drag your minds out of the gutter!)
I had a horrific night’s sleep last night, I don’t quite know what the time was when I finally got to sleep, but I know it was late. Im amazed at how my brains works sometimes (in a good way). I managed to invent something that im sure would work if I actually made it, but ill never get aroun d to actually producing it (probably for the best because it probably would actually work). After inventing random things in my head I laid there and thought about my past. My past isn’t exactly great, in fact its quite the opposite. (FYI im a actually writing this with pen and paper and it hurts!). I have my own regrets in life, but there are some thingds in my past that really weren’t my fault, things I couldn’t control that have shaped who I am today. Unfortunately those things have shaped me badly. My head is a malfunctioning mess, something that unfortunately will be with me for the rest of my life. I need to learn how to manage my mental health, something I have currently failed miserably to do. If I could give myself my last nine years back, I would. I don’t think I wouldn’t tell people about it all, however I could take a very different approach to everything I have done so far to combat and manage my demons. Anyway, that was last night. I did wake up with a rough head this morning due to last nights drinking, had brekkie, then got onto my walk…….
Helmsley is wonderful looking town, which looks sort of ageless with North Yorskhire. As I arrived the towns church bells rang, and I thought initially they were chiming the star wars theme tune, but later realised it wasn’t that at all. I might actually find out what they were playing, its grinding on my mind actually, watch this space………….or a space lower down. Anyway, I parked up at the castle which looked awesome (I’ll get to that later) and tried to figure out where on earth I was actually going for a walk. Now, im going to have to try and remember the first half of the walk from my memory only (good luck) as I didn’t think of the picture thing until over half way through my walk. So, the first half or the first half of my walk was all uphill, this wasn’t great because I haven’t lived anywhere with hills for years, and even then it was short lived. Lets just say ive never lived anywhere with hills. It snowed! It ssnowed a lot for the first ten minutes. I haven’t seen it snow that much since last winter (at least). I love the snow because of just how gorgeous it is. So, istopped half way through the first part of my walk because while lookingat my phone I realised I had signal (its non-existent where im staying), and I called my granny, just to do my daily check in. the reason I do my daily check in is because I think my family want to know im safe, really I mdoing it for them, I know im ok, but it gives them peace of mind. So, call done, I carried on.
P.S. there were lots of sheep in that part of the walk which is pretty normal, there are loads around here.
On the second half of the fthe first half of my walk it started to snow again. This next part of my walk was all downhill (in a topographical way, not an experience way) which is both good and bad. I knew I was walking back the same way, knowing this part would then be uphill. Anyway, I digress, I came to a nice opening amongst the trees, and the view was stunning. So I took a couple of pictures (it was still snowing), I stood and just looked out for a few minutes then moved on. My entire walk was mostly beside a gorge that I was constantly looking down on. I write that because towards the end of the first half I ended in the gorge. It was really quiet, just the trees creaking as the wind moved around the branches. I took a look at my phone and I had been walking for an hour, at this point I decided to turn around and walk back to my car.
At this point I decided to start taking pictures t remember the things I was thinking (because its obvious I didn’t remember the first half of my thoughts on my walk by what ive written). Ok, so the first picture I took was a weird one. I took it with the idea that a mouse was in the picture (there isn’t), but the idea behind the thought of a mouse in the picture was that there may well be a mouse in the picture (hibernation blah blah blah), but because you cant see one, it doesn’t necessarily mean there isn’t one there. I guess this is a metaphor for my mental health problems (really appreciating spell check right now) and the mental health problems of any human being. There ould be a mouse in anyones mind, but because we cant see it, it doesn’t necessarily mean there isn’t one there! It makes sense to me anyway. FUCK YOU! Only kidding! Anyway, even without some drawn out metaphor the picture is still lovely.
My next picture was taken about two minutes later in almost the exact same spot. Two stones nestling on a limestone wall. I thought they looked like a broken heart. I got all Dalai lama at this point because I thought myself ‘ this heart may be broken, but its still been here a long time, its weathered many storms’ even if something as precious as a heart is broken you can still carry on through the hardest of times. Yucky writing, I do apologise. The next picture I took was just some artsy ‘ look at how crap I am a photography’ picture, you can just ignore it, but I will make it unavoidable on here so HA!
Oh maaan, the next picture I know I took for some extremely profound reason, but I cant for the life of me remember what it was! To be honest its probably a good thing if it means I don’t have to write more of that stuff I wrote just up above from here. Moving on…… I saw a nuthatch which was pretty cool (it’s a bird), it was flitting about on the tree branches and running about a tree trunk. I carried on walking and thinking after the nuthatch. For some reason I asked myself ‘do I have patience?’ this really sent my mind into overdrive! To be completely honest, I think I have a lot of patience. It took me eight years to crack after receiving no help from my friends or family every time I fell quite ill. Ive written about this before now, and im going to just briefly talk about it again. When im ill treat me like I have bad flu. That is all you need to do. Making me feel cared for is all that is needed. Could you imagine getting the flu really badly and people just don’t care? Just expect you to sort your life out yourself and fend for yourself? This is unthinkable for most people! But hey, that’s what life is with a serious mental health problem. Back on track, I also realised im quite a content person. I came to the conclusion that if I never found love in my life I don’t think it would matter to me. Whats the expression…. ‘if its meant to be its meant to be’. I think that’s the case with love in a broader respect as well. If youre meant to find love you will, if youre not meant to, you wont. Don’t get me wrong, I imagine finding love would be absorbing, but if it doesn’t happen, I don’t think I have anything to regret. That’s life!
A few steps later I came across those sheep again. I say I came across them, they were quite far away, BUT! Dot dot dot, they made me think about the people in my life. This isn’t some sort of following metaphor, more a distance thing. I am extremely far away from the people involved in my life at the moment. I see these people from a distance just getting on with their lives, they don’t look up for a second and see me, but I see them doing the same things they always do, and they are completely happy with it. People don’t need me, and the next picture shows you what I am.
I am sheep’s wool caught in a hedge on the edge of the field. I am a bit part left behind in the social aspect of my own life. Its horrible to think, but with my patience its important for me to realise that this isn’t going to be my life forever, it will change. Im not the kind of person who believes you should actively try and change the social aspect of your life, it will come (gutter, head). Life takes you on different paths and the social aspect of it will naturally change. I believe trying to make friends is weak and you wont be yourself. Be yourself and life will give you a good social hand.
I was going to write about Helmsley castle now (walk bit is over) but lets face it, ive written far too much already and you’ve probably stopped reading by now anyway. I shall stop myself from writing more.
Ill be back for more tomorrow at the latest.
Remember, this blog is ‘its all about me’, so even if I do ramble on its who I am and it helps me!