ugh! life eh! in the last couple of days ive been making worse thoughts in my head than are needed to be there. i mean, i do this all the time but these ones really are not ones i usually create. for some reason im purposely taking excitement out of small things so that i will be prepared for when it all goes wrong. i dont see why im doing this because i believe if im a little excited about something, you know, i should be excited, even if it is a little thing. i dont want to purposely ruin my excitement, its naturally ruined for me anyway. i should just enjoy the excitement for what it is. for instance……..me applying for this volunteer role should be exciting but im managing to find anything to turn my excitement into doubt and failure. the volunteer roles were specifically for something i didnt see beforehand, and i dont want to do the volunteer role that they were wanting people to apply for. this put me on a downer because i thought i just couldnt volunteer for what i wanted to. after a conversation with G i realised that this isnt the case. if i put my mind to something, why cant i? previously when i volunteered i didnt go through any application, i didnt have an interview, i just expressed a genuine interest while out on a walk one day, i talked to the relevant person and the next wek i was volunteering. i reckon i could do this again. i might even be contacted by the volunteer co-ordinator anyway (because i applied) and it might all work out fine anyway! we will see, im not going to give up and i havent been rejected. anyway, i’ve been doing this a lot. i cant think everything is doomed, i mean, i think lots of things are, but not everything! here’s to looking at a few things positively!
ive also been giving my head a lot more thought today as well. i had a conversation last night where i talked about normal everyday thoughts for myself, you know, the things i think. now, i think about suicide quite a lot. i dont think about it in a way that i think im going to do it, and the thoughts dont scare me, they dont bother me in fact, they are just there and i think them. i think about my own future being awful and i think about it being more positive. someone always talks about them winning the lottery and how this that and the other would be different, these are things people dream of i guess. my dreams are a lot more…….not realistic, but a lot more subdued. i wish things were ok. i wish i could manage to live independently, not so much as someone on their own in anything, but my lifestyle can be my choosing. i wish i could rent my own house, i wish i could work, and i wish i had the ability to remove myself from my biggest problem (not going to happen). i see people struggle financially because they cant buy that awesome thing they really want and this upsets me. it upsets me because i am in no position to be anywhere near even thinking that. im not upset with those people because their struggles seem less problematic than mine, more that i wished i had those problems, and not whether or not im going to be owing the bank money everyday, and whether or not i can afford food this week. i managed to forget some of the issues of my own last week by going away, it helped and it was wonderful and i didn’t care about what i was doing. ive forgotten why i started this paragraph…………..ah yes, thoughts. my thoughts in the last couple of days have been about me making myself more accommodating to people i know. i know im not the easiest person, i know it can be difficult to be around me sometimes, but i also know that there is something really wrong with me that gives me these traits. im just trying to think about how i can make it a little easier on people. i think removing myself from a situation where things might get difficult, perhaps keeping my mouth shut or keeping my problems to myself is a good thing in this situation. mental health is difficult for people to comprehend, it doesnt matter how much you can tell a person, they wont understand a single thing. this is evident in peoples reactions to when i talk about it. people are scared or too uncomfortable to talk about it, and i think i have to accept this now. i think letting people think they understand and letting them think they are doing right is probably for the best. i have never advocated not talking about mental health, but i think perhaps even with family there is a time and a place (i hope). its something i need to look into.
having a convo with G earlier and it got me a bit riled actually. bitchiness is something i dont really like that much. its unhealthy. i used to do it when i was younger and ive realised its a horrible thing. i thought of the scenario where a group of four people are sitting in a room and three of them are talking about someone they dont like, and they arent being very nice. the fourth person i nthe room doesnt know the person they are talking about, how would that persons opinion be swayed in any way by bitchiness. i know this situation because i, among others have been in it. i form an opinion very quickly, i form it of those who are being bitchy and not of the victim. ive fallen out with people in these situations, and perhaps even tried to get to know the victim of the trash talk. bitchiness isnt nice. now, i do say things about people (goodness knows i probably have in my blog), but i will always say it to the person head on, and not in a nasty way, just in a way to let that person know that i was a bit irked and why. i probably get bitched about for it, but you know what, i dont care. man i sound like a right prick for writing that. hmmmm, maybe i could have written it better. i hope you know what i mean by it all though.i just dont like bitchiness.
anyway ive written far too much about nothing so im going to go. oh, and no one close read my secret message a few posts back, so thanks for that.