today is a bad day so far for me. im having to fill out for ms i really shouldnt be filling out, its stressing me out like mad and its difficult. was hoping someone would help me but no one seemed interested in helping me, oh well.
last night i started to feel quite lonely and today is no different. i woke up this morning and felt awful, i felt like if i got up everything was going to disappoint. i got up and everything so far has disappointed. my first disappointment was before i had even left my room. i heard the post arrive through the letterbox and i knew straight away that it was for me and that it was something i didnt want to look at. that post is the reason ive been filling out forms all morning into the afternoon. i came downstairs to an empty house and any sort of positivity left me. i knew i wasnt gonig to see a human all day and potentially most of the evening. it might seem strange to some people that this bothers me but when you dont have any sort of visual contact with a human it takes a toll on you. im almost certainly going to spend all day not talking to a single human face to face, im not going to be able to have a conversation properly or see another humans emotion. this is difficult. when you spend such little time seeing and communicating with people its even more difficult to get a grip on the real world. my world for so many months has pretty much been confined to a single house. i very rarely leave where i live and its even more rare to get a visitor to my house. so, why dont i just go out and see people you may ask? i struggle to be around groups of people, or to walk around in society. i get very anxious of what people might think of me, what i might say, whether what i said was right or wrong, i worry about how i present myself emotionally and physically and i worry about if something goes wrong. believe it or not these arent even the big issues as to why i struggle out in the world. my real struggle is with my paranoia. i can walk along and here a laugh in the distance and think people are talking about me, i can walk along worrying that someone is following me. i feel like im an easier target for someone if im out and about and i worry that the whole world is about to turn on me for some reason or another. all of this makes it incredibly difficult to go out into society. usually if i do go out its not for long, and when i get back to somewhere safe my trip has often taken so much out of me that i am so tired i cant really do anything for the rest of the day. the thoughts that i would have had while out and about would have come home with me and i will often think about those thoughts for tthe rest of the day. going out is difficult. where i used to live i had a bubble. a bubble for me is somewhere outside of home where i felt safe, it was somewhere i could go knowing not a lot could go wrong. i dont not have a buble anymore. im hoping to create a bubble when i start volunteering but im worried i will not create a bubble doing this, rather another disappointing result to something i really used to enjoy doing.
im lonely, in fact im lonely enough already that i know that even if i had some semblance of social comfort around me right now and for a while it would still take a long time for me not to feel lonely. i hate this. theres only one thing worse than being on your own and alone, that’s being around people and feeling alone. maybe i should stop complaining that im actually physically alone, i mean after all im going to feel better like this than if i had someone with me right? perhaps it shouldnt have even come to this point, i shouldnt be feeling lonely. i will admit that i have felt alone in some ways for my whole life. i know when i was a child a felt different, i sort of cast myself out as someone who wasnt normal, ive done this my whole life though, ive just tried to fit in instead, only in ways that i can instead of being able to think like everyone else. i am aware that my social life is much smaller now. i see less people, i talk to less people, heck! i have less people in my life now. i know i did this myself but the people no longer in my life are no longer in my life because they were always making it much worse. i would consider myself someone who cares about the people i love. i would take bullets for the people i love (thank goodness it hasnt come to that), i have done things for people to help them even if it means my life will be worse off, but if i hadnt have done those things those peoples lives would probably have been even worse. now i feel like im bragging, sorry. all im trying to say is that those people who i would do anything for never once lifted a finger for me, in fact i ended up as a place for them to dump their problems. after years of carrying their baggage around with me i decided to get rid of it. i asked one of these people for some help and in response got physically threatened! thats someone who shouldnt be in my life, and i decided that a few others like that person shouldnt be there either.
so where does this leave me? somewhere a little more difficult i reckon. i also reckon that it might seem like im going backwards but i think im going forwards. i think ive almost wiped a slate clean and i can start again properly this time. look at that, a bit of positivity! thats probably the lot for the day. oh well!