there are some things in life i think i need, but perhaps i dont actually need them. there are things that i cling onto in the hope that it will make things better, there are things that i think are a necessity in my life, and there are things i think are more important to me than they actually are. while im writing about these things im really hoping that i come to some sort of proper conclusion on those ‘things’. BTW when i write on here i write how i think (what my fingers can keep up with anyway).
this first thing encompasses all of the things mentioned above. Every day i call certain people so that i have someone to talk to. they are generally one or more of three people in my life. i talk about whatever i can think of that ive done, some things so mudane that as i say them i start yawning, but i want someone to talk to and i want to communicate with a person. i was thinking last inght about how my phone calls dont really give my life anything other than something to do. i mean yeah, its ok that it gives me something to do but it doesnt make me feel any better about myself, in fact it usually makes me feel worse. i often think im boring, useless, uninteresting, all three of those and more! i know my life isnt interesting, so why are people going to want to talk about it? to be honest whats even worse is when i call and they dont answer, then my mind goes into overdrive as to why they didnt answer. perhaps its better not to make the call, maybe i should wait for someone to call me? did that once, no one called for 3 months, that was nice………… anyway, i thought phoning people would make my day more interesting and it would perhaps give me hope for a more interesting life, turns out it doesnt, it just messes with me. im going to try holding back on making phone calls from now on.
i will tell you now i had about a million things on my mind when i started writing this, and now they have all gone, so bear with me please…………………….
i tell you what, whilst my brain tried to remember ill talk about other stuff. im watching some tv at the moment (actually its paused because im writing this) and i realised that my favourite television is when the programme has a moral. i realised hardly anything that i watch doesnt have a moral, and my favourite programmes all have morals. for instance i love Scrubs. its a brilliant show, its full of life dilemmas, it shows internal thinking and it shows a moral to anything. i think it also teaches people that the exterior of a person usually isnt displaying whats going on inside. unfortunately this is a struggle for me because i know i dont display how im thinking and neither does anyone else, however i dont ever take a persons persona at face value, in fact when a person is saying or acting a certain way i think its important to try and read through it. youll never figure out anyone if you take them at face value, it just would never happen. people take me at face value quite a lot, in fact people have become friends with me in the past because of the face value, after a while i show them behind the scenes, they dont like it and they go away. im not saying that im not the person anyone sees, i am that person, im just not that person all the time, and if you think im going to be that person all the time you are far too idealistic. anyway, tv programmes! if its got a moral, even if its a weird one, im in!
i feel i might be pushing myself too hard. i know, i have no real life goal or ambition (not that you know of) but some things need to be taken a step at a time. when i mention volunteering i am thinking ten years into the future. im thinking about my next career and what sort of life i will have. this is pushing my thoughts too hard. im not physically taking too bigger bites or taking too many steps at a time, but mentally i am way ahead of myself. i think a lot but i somehow need to reign this bit in, im not sure how to do it. i think possibly if i got more comfortable with how my life was perhaps then i would be happy to think about tomorrow instead of ten years time. i’ll save that for the dreamers!
ok, ive already written too much so im going to stop. i know i didnt remember the other stuff but i dont think it matters. the rugby is on today, maybe that will take my mind away from the world for a few hours.