ive actually written quite a lot today, its probably nothing anyone will ever see. it all started off because i needed to distract myself so i gave myself something to focus on. so in three hours i wrote about 7000 words. im not sure how much that is when you look at it physically, let me check………….its about 11 pages, 11 of what sort of page i dont know, but its 11 of them. anyway it doesnt matter, all that mattered is that it took my mind off of things.
im back on here because not calling people is difficult. its also very difficult when people dont call you. i did have a call today though, i was a bit moany on it and decided after a while that i was moaning too much so i ended the conversation and the call (after saying bye). i know im not great at the moment, its why i went away, i came back and was the same as before though. what i have to remember is that i dont really matter. i struggle with this a lot. if you removed me from the earth lives would only improve, family would have one less struggle to deal with, im sure i take up more than my fair share of NHS time and lets face it, in the last few months i have somehow made people unhappy, whether its with me or just lowering the mood of people around me. the people i spend a lot of time around struggle to deal with me, and if past experiences are anything to go by i will become too much and they will remove me from their lives completely. so yeah, i dont matter, i give nothing positive to anyones life, only negative, dont tell me otherwise because i wont believe you. oh well. i just wish the thing i said earlier would come true, but it wont.
its only been ten hours awake that i havent seen a human today! i dont know where that number will end, maybe not much longer, or i could be going to bed without seeing anyone today. i do know that not seeing humans very often becomes quite overwhelming when you actually see one, its quite loud! you can control the volume on a tv or phone, you cant on a human. ive just realised im calling people ‘humans’. am i really that person who is so reclused that its not only exciting to see someone, its so unusual that im referring to them as humans? this really isnt on purpose. none of this is a joke.
i wouldnt mind some help.
P.S. being alone didnt last much longer, there is a ‘human’ here now. its very loud.