Life at the thud end. I know the pit has a bottom, it’s a long way down.

I try and grab onto all the positivity I see but sometimes it’s hard for me to see. I see negativity in everything, I even see negativity that perhaps isn’t even there. My mind will go through every single scenario, it will jump to the bad conclusions first, all of them. When I am hit with so many negative thoughts it’s hard to get away from them and it’s hard to focus on anything else. Once I get past all the negativity it’s hard to see the positivity in anything. It’s also extremely exhausting for me to think the things I think about. It mentally drains my energy. I know there are times when I’m not as bad, there are very occasional times when I can see past the negativity and can see something positive. In this situation I quickly figure out what helped me and want it to help me again. Often I find the help is from myself, and if I don’t think I can do that for myself again I look to someone else to help, I will tell the person what helped me, however, I will never ask the person to do the thing, they have to want to do it. Me asking someone to give me positive emotion of some sort, some sort of comfort is horrible for me to do in the first place, if they then do it I feel they have done it just because I asked, if they don’t do it (this is 99% of the time) I feel even worse because they never wanted to do it and didn’t want to do it when I told them what sort of thing helps. This is dibilitating, it feels like I am completely unloved uncared for, it feels like I don’t matter and that it is a losing battle for me against people who say they love me. I fact check everything in life, it’s how my brain works. If I barely ever see evidence for something it’s hard to believe. It would be like doing an experiment and believing the anomalies are the correct result. Right now a lot of my life needs fixing, I’m not talking about things like work, love life, money or housing (yet they all need fixing too) I’m talking about how I feel about things, how alone I am, how purposeless to people I am. Do you know what, if I had any motivation in my head and heart I could try and recover from these problems, I have no motivation though. What’s the point if I have no purpose to anyone, no purpose in life, I can’t be appreciated because what is there to appreciate? I cannot give myself motivation to help myself with any of these problems right now, I need an outside source, I need to feel backed up by people to help me emotionally through this. The most important word in all of that is the word ’emotionally’. I bounce back on my own, I always do, but it’s incredibly difficult, and when I bounce back on my own it’s hard for me to keep myself there on my own, in fact I’ve never stayed in that place for too long in my life before I fall back down with a thud and I spend most of my life here. I’ve been here for five months now, right at the bottom and it’s been difficult. I will probably put my happy face back on now, people are happier when I do this, it doesn’t matter that I’m dying more and more inside every day, people are just happier with me when I’m happy, and frustrated with me when I’m not. If my problem makes you unhappy to see me, don’t shout at me, don’t tell me you’re fed up with me, or walk away from me like I’m some problem you just don’t want to solve, come at me with passion, encouragement, emotional support, and most importantly, love. At these points I need to see as much of this as possible, from everyone who claims to love me. Don’t be afraid to show it if you actually mean it! If I can get back to a relatively stable place I will need less, but I still need it in my life just like everyone else, no person can live without it, especially me. Don’t tell me it’s there, I will fact check and see it isn’t, this is how my mind works. My memories of things aren’t good but I do know everything that happens in my life, I just cant picture it, remember any specifics, but I know it happened, and this goes for love, I know when it happens. If certain people I know read this it will make them angry I have said this, it shouldn’t. All I am doing is explaining how I feel. I’m not trying to victimise anyone, I’m just looking for some more help. If I don’t get it, fine, I will pull myself back up temporarily, I will try my hardest to live with an iota of contentness, but I will fall again without support, the cycle will continue, things for me will never change, and this makes me very sad.

Bye.

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