visual snow, aphantasia, opinion and weakness.

the last few days have been incredibly difficult. i imagine people will judge me for it, i imagine people will form some strong opinions against me because of the past few days as well. do you know what, i wont be able to change those opinions and views yet they have 0.1% of the information to go by. if someone forms an opinion of me when they know such little information pretty sure i can judge you yes? difference is i will just remind myself they had very little information and they think they have it all and just try and shrug it off. sometimes i really wish people would think about situations and how much information they have before forming an opinion.

people who know i suffer from mental health problems approach me with caution. since i first told people about what was going inside my mind everyone who has known started approaching me with caution like they expect me to break down in tears, get angry, or they might say the wrong thing, i would generally be avoided by some people and almost all people were worried to talk to me about my problem. all of this is shit, it really is utterly devastating for me to have this happen. do you know what would be great? the complete opposite!!! completely and utterly! approach me, talk to me about it, i wont snap, i wont get really emotional or angry. if you do all the other bad stuff that always happens then yes, you might get a bad reaction! if i spend months trying to talk to you about it and the responses i get are just the words ‘yeh’ or a noise of recognition that im talking, or worse……changing the subject! this will cause me to react. to put it lightly, my mental health issues are a big deal for me and i want people to talk to me about it, especially when im trying to talk to someone about it! now, ive probably written this about a hundred different ways on this blog and no-one has payed attention, i dont know why i keep trying but i do. maybe one day someone will actually take notice, who knows.

anyway, this weekend has been horrific, yes certain person has tried to make it better for me, so thank you, but ive talked so little about what i wanted to talk about that its hurting my head. instead what i decided to do was to look at other things i notice about myself. because of the weather recently it reminded me that i see snow all the time, all the time. so when i am walking about on a normal summer day i see ‘snow’. i looked it up and it turns out i have something called visual snow. i decided not to look into it too much because it doesnt really bother me that much, just when i try reading its annoying, or on a sunny day or when its actually snowed its too bright for me and it gives me headache, thats about it. just something i see every day.

i also flipped out this weekend when i realised i dont have a minds eye. i actually thought a minds eye was a pretend thing, metaphorical for seeing an imagine in your head. apparently people actually can visualise things in their heads. i honestly dont know how thats possible! its weird though, i hallucinate, i hear voices but these things are physical. when i see something when i hallucinate i see it in front of me as a physical entity (like this computer in front of me), and the voices dont come from inside my head, they come from a direction, a place near me, sometimes they are all around me! so when i visualise something in my head i dont see images, i hear my voice reading a scenario out to me, telling me all the details of what im ‘visualising’, i hear the picture, i dont see it. i looked it up and found out its called Aphantasia (which in latin means something in the realms of ‘no imagination’). odd right! but no more odd than my hallucinating and hearing voices i guess.

anyway, ive thought about different ways my mind works this weekend and talked about them because i couldnt talk about my current huge issue of my mental health. im seeing a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) tomorrow so i can talk some shit out and find out what on earth is going on. this weekend has been different because someone who isnt usually about was about and i spent time with them, they are going today and of course my head is thinking i now go back to the horror or dealing with the same shit every day.

do you know, people tell me im strong, i probably am, i am extremely weak as well, i hate being strong all the time, i shouldnt be, no one should be, im weak to love, compassion and love……..again. this gives me the support to be strong as much as i can be. i wrote before that just telling me you love me wont work, like i said if you say it and i cant see it i wont believe it. a miserable thing about me is i fact check life, if im told someone loves me i will fact check it, its horrible but i cant help it. i dont often tell people i love them, but i will gesture it as often as i can, and thats how i see love, not defined, but in showing someone and not in a planned way, it just happens with me, i just do something for someone without thinking it through, i never regret anything i ever do for someone when it happens that way because anything i do comes straight from my heart.

oh man, i sound like aim bragging again, sorry. anyway, thats what i do, sorry.

i should probably go now because ive written a lot. volunteering on Wednesday and we will see where my life goes now (if anywhere)


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