I went to the beach, i’m now going again.

is it a distraction if what is ‘distracting’ you is actually making you feel worse, just in a different way? i don’t know, but i could do without it because its very frustrating. im making as much effort as possible right now to sort shit out, im trying to go out, im trying to communicate as solidly as possible, and im trying to brush off every single pain in the arse problem that is thrown at me. these three things are difficult to do because they are tiring for me, but other people are happier when i do them. granted, i am happier when im able to go out and feel relaxed about it, but going out when im not relaxed is quite difficult. communicating is much more difficult, i have to ignore every silly thing said to me, the constant advice people love to give me, the constant ‘reassuring’ words of ‘its not like that’, ‘you’ll be fine’, ‘dont worry’, and all the other classics.

i also have to ignore the fact that people hate to talk about other people, people love talking about themselves, and are bored as soon as something isnt about them, or even worse, when you dont agree with some bitchy comment they said so you just dont reply. i know i love talking about myself, but i do it so infrequently that when i get the opportunity i jump on it! i also love to hear about others though, so i am happy to listen and chat about that person, so long as once in a blue moon i get an opportunity to talk about me. reminds me of a phone call i once had, i asked them if they were OK, their response was to talk solidly for 10 minutes about themselves, i was happy to ask questions about what they were talking about, i was interested. After they finished nattering they went silent, i let this hang for nearly a minute of them not knowing what to say, i was hoping they would ask me how i was, or if i had been up to something, instead after the longest telephone pause in history they said ‘well thats all really’. people love to talk about themselves and dont even think to talk about the person they are talking to. people (i will state this isn’t all people, just people in general) are selfish, there’s no bones about it. oh well. think about your next phone conversation and find out if you’re one of these people or not.

anyway, the most tiring thing is to ‘brush off my problems’ because people dont want to hear about them. it is in quotes because i dont actually brush my problems off, i just dont tell anyone (why i have this blog) my problems because they don’t really listen, or they say the classic quote from further up this post. i can already see people in my life thinking im improving, its laughable that they think that, eight days ago they thought i had completely lost my mind and now im well on the road to recovery. some people are ignorant, unfortunately my life has a lot of those people in it. i stated a few days ago on another post that my blog might have a change in characteristic, its not going to, im going to keep it as a bit of a moany place, i need it to be because that is not going to exist in my life for probably the next couple of months at least. people like to see me happy, this is fine, i like to see me happy……when im actually happy, people dont like me when im not happy, and i was supposed to write ‘me’ and not ‘it’ because this is the case. people avoid me when they know im not doing great, they get frustrated with me, angry with me, and they just communicate with me less, and if they do communicate, its sort of professionally, its horrible.

anyway, i went to the beach today, that was nice. i am in fact going to go to the beach again now, im bored and could do with getting away, it also gives me less time as some fake optimist. i will leave you with a picture of earlier…..its of me at the beach, the tide is in.

me, yeh


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