i am currently at the beach sitting on the sea wall writing this. the sea is very different from what it was yesterday, the tide is out, not to what its like normally, but the sea isnt crashing against the sea wall, i can actually sea the sand of the beach. ive have got to start coming to the beach more often, it definitely calms me, if not for a while, definitely in the moment. the sound of the sea as it rolls over the outgoing waves is lovely. the sea always reminds me of hearing it as a child. i always remember hearing the constant sound and enormity of it, i was always in awe of it as a child, and to this day i still am. the sun is out at the moment as well. a week ago, if you had told me that i would be sitting at the beach with a t-shirt on on this day i wouldnt have believed you, a week ago we were struggling to get over zero degrees, and now its almost shorts weather!
whenever im at the beach im always reminded that pretty much everyone who comes here, is here for pleasure, there arent really many other reasons for visiting the sea-side. i like the area of coast im on because, while im amongst the natural beauty, man made sea defences are trying to dominate the landscape, only to be enveloped by the life of the sea, covered in shellfish and sea-weed. nature always wins at the beach.
its so peaceful here.
in the last few days ive been thinking about those lakes i was sitting at in North Yorkshire, you know, the ones i sat at and enjoyed writing my blog posts. maybe i need to get this pen and paper out a little more often. i like sitting and writing, i mean, im thinking about my writing, listening to nature, there are no people (except a few dog walkers), no electronics, i just have nature as a distraction, and thats the sort of distraction i love.
something ive been thinking about other than the above is that maybe i should start working on a few boundaries for myself. ive decided some of the discussions about my mental health shouldnt be had with some (one) of the people i talk to. i have to remember that even though these thoughts live in my head full time, other people are ready for them. i know ive already broken a close relationship i have with someone, i shouldnt make it worse, even though it cant make it better right now, i need to focus on maintaining what i actually have left. i need to focus on how i can talk about these things in therapy, they hear it more often, they are more wary and prepared for my issues. i know i dont ask people to understand my mind, but i also cant expect them to comprehend my distressing thoughts. its time to re-evaluate who i talk to about the thought and issues.
ive been invited to a family gathering which is happening just before easter, ive decided not to go. i know my relationship with my family is fractured, i really dont want it to be, but my family are finding it difficult to cope with me and some of my actions. i see the difference in how certain family members talk to me and behave around me now, im not blind. i want to fix these fractures, i really do, but im not strong enough to do this right now. also, from previous experience, i know if i put even a little finger out of palce right now my family will turn on me, as i said, this is from experience, and at a family gathering when there are fractures, if that happens, i might just lost a lot of family, and thats the last thing i want.
anyway, im going to go now. ive written a bit of stuff, given myself a lot to think about, and its got a little chillier and i musing my jacket as protection from a wet sea wall.