today life tried to push me back into my seat. i know things have picked up slightly in the last few days. yeh, they havent been awesome or got me on some sort of level playing field with my problems but they havent been bottom of the pit bad. i decided that i would look back into my dis-allowance of my benefits and read that i only had a couple of days to get it to them. this was a horrible thing to read because with all the horrific things ive been through the last couple of weeks or so i had resisted even trying to look at it. i managed to get it all sorted but everything that could go wrong went wrong. i didn t want to go out today but i needed to get stamps for this letter, i went to the post office for this which i found out has shut down for a few weeks, while on that trip some ladies wanted to talk to me about the car park. i didnt want to talk to any strangers today, my life felt like it was in rush mode today anyway, i didnt have time for it and i was extremely anxious. after that i went to the supermarket to get stamps and managed to drop them amongst a load of stuff at the desk which just drew more attention to myself, so this was quite distressing. these are only a few of the many problems while i was out, i wont go into them all, i just wanted this all to be over. the whole filling out forms things was awful, i lost a form i needed to send with it all as well. there were problems on top of problems. sure, if you dont have mental health problems these dont seem too bad, but they are horrible problems, and all the others were too.
alas, i got it all done, i am still here in just about one piece, when it tried sitting me back in my chair i stayed sitting up. i managed to get through all the crap. i had a big cry after i finished all of this, i talked my day out with someone over the phone, managed to calm down. im now listening to music, typing this on my computer. i need a little lift in my day however, i need something to put me in a slightly better mood, this is something i dont see happening today, and i know in a couple of hours my life will get more difficult again. i think i might have to shut myself away for the evening so i can recoup my thoughts and try and calm right down ready for tomorrow.
on another note, while i was rushing around trying to get things sorted my CPN phoned and wanted to have a chat (of course at the most distressing part of my day) about looking forward. they wanted to talk to me about my meds, started talking about putting me on more, i told him two times i didnt want this, and by the third time i yelled about how he wasnt listening to me. i dont want to be on meds, i only want to be on the most necessary ones and thats it. i told him what i needed, i need routine, i need to be active during the day, this will give me purpose, it will wear me out so i will sleep at night without having to take tablets. i told him i need to talk about mental health problems and not to just shove tablets down my throat in the hope it will work. i know what works for me, ive had to deal with these problems openly for nearly ten years, i know what works. talking helps me, talking to someone professionally about my problems can help me figure my thoughts out, medication has very rarely worked for mental health in the past. i know its important to listen to a professional about these things but they need to listen to me as well, i know me, i know what helps, and i also know what im talking about!
i had about 5 cigarettes in the last hour, ive talk to someone else other than my calming call to someone. im somewhere a little better than where i was an hour or two ago. now i have to get on with the rest of my day.