That man thing i wrote, and i’m seeing the help!

im off for a couple of days after my training this weekend. im off to see some family in another place other than norfolk. i needed some help to get there but ive managed to get that. i need a few days away to help me recharge after the last few months. yes, i know a couple of days isnt all i need, but its all adding up now. having some support here, having people come to here to support me and a couple less stress inducing problems to deal with is adding to my recharge of better me. im seeing people a little more frequently now (this morning being one of those times) so i dont feel so tucked away and on my own, this is a great help for me. to see that people are helping now really does affect me in a more positive way. sure, i have to put up with some shit from certain things but everyone has to put up with some right? im no exception.

one thing i do notice about myself at the moment is that im missing family events. i know i decided the toher day that  im not going to go to the big family get together because i know i wouldnt cope with it, but im also missing out on family birthdays, im sure  iwont do anything for easter, and in general im not participating in family very often. this does make me feel worse because i want to be a part of all these things but i know i either cant get to the places because they are too far away or if i can get to them my escape from it if things go wrong is too far away. i have to prioritize myself a lot of the time right now i know but it doesnt stop me wanting to participate in these family events.

one other thing i wanted to talk about (as titled) is the reaction i got from people about the ‘i’m not the man society wants’ piece i wrote. it actually seemed to open peoples eyes and people also related to what i had written and had some more to say about it. ‘strangers’ who read it added more to it, more emotional response. there were a few people that stated the film watching piece was relatable. why cant a man cry at a sad film? men do cry at films but feel they have to hide it. i know when ive cried at films in front of people ive had mixed reactions, people mock me or ask me why im crying. ive never had a positive reaction if you can call it positive. a comforting reaction, a connection. its always been negative. oh well. also, when i mentioned what i had written to family they were shocked at how i felt growing up, they didnt quite grasp (even though i had told them previously) the idea that who i was as a teenager and young adult really wasnt me at all, it wasnt the person i was inside, seems i managed to hide it really well, shame i cant do that now, but also have the outlet i need for support.

my day so far is alright, ive now got my lunch, listening to the same music as yesterday (and about 12 days previous) and just chilling out until this evening. i might even go for a walk on the beach today seeing as i missed it yesterday.


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